Love's Redemption
by Ryu Reikai-Akuma
Summary: In order to gain forgiveness and erase his own guilt Hijikata made an agreement with Okita who was still blaming him for Mitsuba's death. He expected pain, humiliation, even death. But Hijikata never expected love. HijiOkiHiji. Yaoi and a little het.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Title sucks and might change in the future. The rating is for later chapter(s). Anyway, I hope I got the characters right. It's my first time writing them.

Disclaimer: Gintama and its characters don't belong to me.

**Love's Redemption**

**Chapter I  
**

Hijikata inhaled his cigarette deeply as he stood outside the door. To be completely honest he didn't want to do this. Consolation was definitely not his specialty, especially at the moment. Consoling Okita was going to be difficult and it's not like Hijikata himself wasn't affected by the current happening. Okita wasn't the only was saddened by Mitsuba's death. Hijikata exhaled the poisonous smoke, wishing that his own suffering would leave along with it. It's not going to happen though. And trust Kondou to rub salt in his unrecovered wounds.

"Sougo, I'm coming in."

He paused briefly to wait for an answer and consider throwing away his cigarette. He decided to keep smoking. He had a feeling he would need it for the conversation that was bound to happen. Hijikata readied himself for an attack, knowing that it was highly possible to be assaulted the moment he opened the door. It's not like he couldn't see why Kondou asked him to do this favor. Other members of Shinsegumi would cower long before they reached Okita's door. Still…

The door slid open quietly. Hijikata waited to have his head fall off but nothing happened. Taking this as a permission to enter, he slowly stepped into the dark room. The air was humid in the room as it hadn't seen the sun and felt fresh air for days. The atmosphere was gloomy, understandably so. Hijikata eyed the unmoving heap of blanket in the centre of the room. Okita's sword was nowhere to be found so it was safe to assume that Okita had it with him.

"It's time for work."

There was a slight rustle and a movement from beneath the thick layer of the blanket. Hijikata eyed it carefully. There was no such thing as being overly- cautious when it came to Okita.

"Tell Kondou-san I don't want to work today." Okita muttered. While there was an edge to his voice, it lacked the arrogance it usually had. It was obvious that he hadn't been able to get over his sister's death.

Hijikata sighed. "You have to start working some time. You can't keep moping around like this."

There was a tense silence. Hijikata knew he had said something wrong. While it was the truth, he could've said it better in a less painful way. It's terribly unfortunate that he wasn't gifted with tactfulness.

"You're a very heartless man, Hijikata-san." Okita said, rage creeping into his voice. "Do you even notice that my sister is dead?"

The stinging pain wasn't unexpected. The thoughts of what he could have and perhaps should've done flooded his mind. Perhaps he had made a mistake. He was certain that he had made a mistake. He should've at least apologized but he was such a stubborn, arrogant man after all.

"Of course I…"

Hijikata had no time to draw his sword. It was his luck that Okita wasn't using his, either. He grunted when he was pushed to the floor by the shorter male. His cigarette fell away and he struggled to breathe as Okita wrapped his hands around his neck tightly. Hijikata struggled with all his power but Okita seemed unmovable. His red eyes showing nothing but anger and pain and no conscious awareness of the action he was taking.

"Do you even care that my sister died in sadness? In loneliness?"

"Sou-Sougo…" Hijikata gasped out.

"Did you care for her at all?" Okita demanded, his grip around Hijikata's neck tightening.

"I…"

Just when darkness crept on the edges of his sight and he began to lose consciousness, Okita released him. Hijikata gasped for air, clutching his abused neck. He looked at the boy, still perched on top of him with that unreadable look on his face, in disbelieve.

"What do you…"

"You're terrible at consoling people, Hijikata-san. Please just go and die." When Hijikata didn't reply, Okita continued. "Did Kondou-san tell you to come? He should've known that a heartless person like you isn't suited for the role. You're so much better at pissing people of with that arrogance of yours."

"Sougo, you…"

"Do you pity me? Do you feel bad because now I've lost everyone in my family?"

Hijikata looked away, fearing that Okita might be able to see through him. Through the walls he erected to hide his emotions. "It's not pity. It's sympathy." He replied.

"Sympathy, huh? Is it really? Or is it just guilt?" Okita asked coldly.

Sympathy or guilt? Honestly Hijikata couldn't really tell. He was regretful of his past actions but he also knew that there was no point in lingering in the past. The past and Mitsuba were gone. What he had was the present. What he had now was his sword, Shinsengumi, and…

He was startled when he felt lips pressing insistently against his. He tried to push Okita away but the boy didn't budge, pressing their lips even harder. When Okita pulled away, Hijikata wiped his lips. The phantom pressure and taste was imprinted in him. No matter how hard he tried to wipe them away, they'd always be there.

"Do you want to repent, Hijikata-san?" Okita suddenly asked, drawing Hijikata's attention.

"Why, you…"

"Do you want to atone for your mistakes?"

The images of Mitsuba's smiles, of the day they left her behind, and the sight of her lying helpless on a futon as her disease consumed her flashed before Hijikata's eyes. His anger disappeared, replaced by immense sadness and regret. Was it guilt after all? Did he deserve Okita's hate after all? Hijikata looked at Okita and saw a lot of pain there, perhaps even more than what he himself experienced. How many people had he hurt? How much had he hurt them?

"Do you, Hijikata-san?" Okita asked again. When Hijikata didn't answer, he took it as a 'yes'. He leaned down slightly, a cruel smile spreading on his lips. Hijikata knew nothing good would come out of that look but was unable to leave.

"Then go out with me."

* * *

Okita watched surprise flickered across Hijikata's face with a detached feeling. He hadn't felt anything since his sister's death. Grief had taken away all his strength. Right now he was just very tired, very tired of feeling sad, feeling lonely, feeling angry, feeling guilty. Hijikata's visit was the last thing he needed. Pity was the last thing he needed.

Hijikata was silent, still shocked obviously. For some reason Okita felt some sort of enjoyment from seeing that expression. Not so aloof anymore, was he? That would serve him right for causing so much pain to his sister.

"Well, Hijikata-san? What do you think?" He asked, leaning down even more.

Okita's eyes strayed to Hijikata's lips briefly. He didn't know why he kissed him but it seemed like an interesting method of punishment. Humiliation was the least he could inflict on the man. Hijikata deserved that and worse for everything he did and didn't do. Sadly, nothing Okita could do would bring back his sister. It was far too late for that now. It was far too late for them.

"Don't you want to feel better, Hijikata-san? Don't you feel the least bit guilty for hurting my sister to the very end of her life?"

Ah, there it was. There was definitely pain in Hijikata's eyes. So he was hurt after all. It wasn't enough to appease Okita, though. Hijikata deserved more pain. He deserved much more pain. It was Hijikata's fault his sister couldn't experience true happiness in her life.

"Why don't you go out with me to atone for your sins?"

Okita wasn't sure what answer he wanted. He only knew he wanted to hurt Hijikata so badly. Whatever the reply might be, it wouldn't change his plan to cause grief in Hijikata's life.

"All right."

Okita blinked. Had he heard it right? Hijikata's resigned look told him that indeed he had heard it right. Okita leaned back and smiled in satisfaction. Finally he could avenge his sister.

TBC

A/N: R&R, please.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: writing angsty Hijikata is more difficult than I thought. No going back now, tho...

Disclaimer: Gintama and its characters don't belong to me. I make no profit from writing this.

**Chapter 2**

At least Okita was now working, Hijikata told himself. After days of locking himself up in his room to mourn, this was a good change. Even better, Okita was back to his old self; blowing things up and torturing others mercilessly. It was hard to tell that something grievous had happened to the boy when you saw him on the field. All was good at last.

Or so Hijikata wanted to believe. He knew that when he agreed to Okita's demand, he would have a difficult time ahead of him. Going out with Okita didn't equal to fun, loving times. It wasn't a kind offer to lift their spirits. It was Okita's punishment for him who had hurt Mitsuba's feeling.

Hijikata sighed in resignation. He felt a little bad for feeling relieved but Okita had done the right thing. He did deserve to be punished.

* * *

This was taking things way too far. Hijikata growled as he search Shinsengumi compound for even a bottle of mayonnaise. He had managed to sneak some into his room the other day, after Okita decided last week that the mayonnaise is contaminated and thus must be destroyed along with a portion of Hijikata's room.

Not only that, he had the guts to flush Hijikata's cigarettes down the toilet every time he bought them. While not terribly annoying at first, without the sticks Hijikata had difficulty focusing in fights. As a result he received more injuries than ever. He also suspected that Okita's sadistic personality had rubbed off on other members of Shinsengumi who now seemed eager to catch him off guard and hurt him in one way or another.

This time, though, no one was in sight as Hijikata stomped all over the compound in search of mayonnaise. He could only take horribly bland food for so long.

"Ah, Toushi!"

Hijikata saw Kondou approaching him and could barely hold back his annoyance. He was in this position because of this gorilla's order. Still, he held back and gave his commander a cool look. His respect to the older man, though he might not seem to deserve it sometimes, didn't disappear just because of a lack of insight in the past.

"Kondou-san."

"You're not working today?" Kondou asked with an unsuspecting smile.

"I'm looking for some mayonnaise for my lunch." Hijikata answered as calmly as he could under the circumstance.

"Ah, did Sougo throw them away again?" Kondou laughed loudly, looking very happy about his friend's misery. "I forgot to say thank you for talking to Sougo after his sister passed away. It's good to see that he has now recovered."

Hijikata stiffened but Kondou didn't notice that. That's right, there was a reason why Okita did all these. Hijikata wasn't happy but he imagined it was nothing compared to what he had put Mitsuba and Okita through. He was frustrated now but what had the siblings gone through when he decided to leave Mitsuba behind? They were both similarly strong, unwilling to show their true emotion. What had they kept to themselves all this time? What could he have done to make things better for them? What could he have done to make Mitsuba just a little happier? "Aa."

"You know, I'm glad to see you two get along together so well." Kondou said, nodding in approval.

Hijikata blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you two are closer than before. Haven't you spent more time together lately?"

"He tried to blow up my head the other day." Hijikata pointed out the even taking place when they were confronting a bank robber. As usual, Okita gave half-hearted warning before shooting the bank with his bazooka, not minding the fact that Hijikata stood in the way.

Okita never apologized even though Hijikata had a feeling that his murder attempts were more serious lately. The young captain seemed even more distant lately, distracted by something else he wouldn't say. Hijikata had little doubt that it had something to do with his anger toward him. Whenever they had the chance to be together, Hijikata kept hoping Okita would just let go and tell him how much he hated Hijikata for hurting him and his sister. He hoped in vain. Okita kept everything to himself, always finding something else to pay attention to and acting like Hijikata never existed except when he tried to kill the man.

In the past Hijikata would've confronted Okita but right now he knew that he had brought this upon himself. He had chosen to accept it. In the end, he ended up using Mitsuba's brother to make himself feel better. Was it a right way to repent?

Kondou laughed, seemingly undisturbed by the fact Hijikata presented. He patted Hijikata's back in a friendly manner. "See, you two are getting close. Now hurry up, Toushi, we have work to do."

* * *

Okita could feel the presence nearing. He didn't have to remove his eyes from the TV screen to find out who it was. He was already familiar with the sound of the footsteps and the change in the atmosphere when a swordsman of that caliber came near. There was no need to acknowledge his arrival or his existence even though Okita ached to behead him with his sword. There was no hostility but Okita sensed mild surprise and unease when Hijikata saw him in the room.

It last only briefly before Hijikata entered the room. Okita scoffed internally. Hijikata had no right to complain about his behavior. After all he chose to come near Okita despite knowing that the captain had no kind intention toward him especially since they agreed on their little arrangement. Over the voices from the TV set, Okita could hear soft rustling of clothes as Hijikata bent down to pick up a pack of cigarette on the table. He felt Hijikata sat somewhere behind him, for a moment wondered if the older man carried his sword. He heard no metallic sound when Hijikata sat down though, so he supposed the vice commander wasn't carrying any weapon.

Quietly, he listened to Hijikata's attempt to light a stick. Okita knew he hadn't smoked for two days. He must've felt tense now and desperate for a smoke. He knew Hijikata wouldn't immediately notice the slight difference in the stick he must have had dangling on his lips now.

Cracking noises, followed by a surprised noise was heard. He calmly listened to fast, distancing footsteps as Hijikata rushed to throw away the lighted stick as far away as possible. The footsteps approached him again and suddenly Okita was yanked up by the collar of his uniform.

"Are you trying to kill me?"

"It was just a firecracker, Hijikata-san." Okita explained in an indifferent voice. He noted the irritation in Hijikata's eyes, the accumulation of frustration over the past week. "That won't kill you. Unfortunately."

"What do you mean by 'unfortunately'?" Hijikata yelled, pissed beyond believe.

Okita looked at the vice commanded with a blank expression he knew would annoy Hijikata even more. "I'm just trying to make you quit you bad habits. Isn't that what couples do?"

If Hijikata was disturbed by Okita's choice of word, he didn't show it. But then again maybe the stress of not consuming mayonnaise and smoking was far greater than being in a dysfunctional relationship with Okita. "What kind of bad habit were you trying to get rid of when you tried to blow up my head?" Hijikata yelled, losing his composure. Well, wasn't that nice. Finally a little emotion from the cold man. Not the kind of emotion Okita wanted to see, though. He wanted to see Hijikata miserable, hopeless, losing any desire to live.

"Your head seemed to be disturbing you so I decided to relieve you from it."

"Did you want to relieve me from my life?" Hijikata yelled again in mounting aggravation.

Okita made sure to look straight into Hijikata's eyes when he gave his reply. He often heard how he looked remarkably like his sister. He used that similarity now to remind Hijikata of the woman he throw away. He'd remind him of how he had hurt Mitsuba in the name of love. He'd remind him of who was really at fault for Mitsuba's grief and loneliness. "Couples show their affections in various ways. Sometimes even through pain."

When he heard that, Hijikata immediately released Okita. The man looked away, perhaps ashamed of what he just did. Did he imagine being violent to Mitsuba instead of Okita? Did it made him think of being in a relationship with her? Did it remind him of how much pain he had caused to Mitsuba during their 'relationship'? Whatever Hijikata was thinking, Okita was satisfied with the reaction he garnered.

Okita could tell from the way Hijikata kept twitching his fingers that he longed for a cigarette now. He would make sure the man wouldn't have the chance to go near one for a couple more days then. It wouldn't do to allow the man to calm his frayed nerves.

"What kind of relationship is this?" Hijikata wondered, mostly to himself, Okita guessed.

"Our relationship." Okita replied.

"That's not how a couple treats each other." Hijikata said with a disapproving frown, regaining his control. Okita couldn't let that happen so easily, could he?

"I don't want to hear that from someone who only knew how to leave women behind."

There it was again; pain and guilt reappeared on Hijikata's face. This was what Okita was aiming for.

"You're not a woman." Hijikata muttered, avoiding Okita's eyes as he spoke. 'You're not your sister' was what Hijikata really said.

Okita nodded in agreement. "I'm not. So what are you going to do now?"

Hijikata seemed surprised that Okita gave him an option. It wasn't an uncalculated move, though. Okita was sure Hijikata wouldn't dare break off their agreement. He still had a lot to apologize for. He still had a lot of guilt. And Okita still had a lot of anger. He wanted to see Hijikata desperately trying to win his forgiveness.

"How about a date?" Hijikata proposed hesitantly after a moment of silence.

"Have you ever been on any date?" Okita asked, knowing the answer was 'no'. Hijikata might be a bastard, but he was a loyal bastard. What's the point of saving himself for a woman he had no intention to be with, though?

"Shut up! Do you want to or not?" Hijikata barked, uncomfortable when his weakness showed.

Okita pretended to consider the offer. In front of him, Hijikata squirmed in agitation. Okita briefly wondered what kind of answer the man wanted to get. "All right, then." Okita said, nodding.

"Oh. Well, we'll go on our next day off, then." Hijikata said, seemingly a little surprised that Okita wanted to go.

Okita nodded again. He vowed to make Hijikata suffered even more that day.

TBC

R&R, please.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Uhh... I hope it's good enough? Okita is a little difficult to write. He's too... sadistic. I hope I get him right.

**Love's Redemption**

Hijikata was unbelievably easy to read, especially nowadays. Okita was a little disappointed when he didn't have to torture fellow Shinsengumi members to make them say where their demon vice commander was going during his patrol. Hijikata was definitely confused and nervous, scouting so many places couples usually go to on dates. Okita should help him out with that, shouldn't he?

Deliberately Okita loudly asked a Shinsengumi member about the first date he just had during dinner with other members of Shinsengumi. The room was immediately filled with teasing, jealous outbursts, as well as weird and lewd suggestions. Okita didn't expect Kondou to give the best advice, though, since what the man deemed as a date was really stalking.

"First date is the most important step in a relationship. You must leave a good impression on your girlfriend so that she will be willing to see you again and again!" He proclaimed in lovesick seriousness. "The impression you leave as a lover will determine whether she's going to try to stay with you or not."

The other men applauded the comment, approving the random moment of wisdom. Okita glanced at Hijikata who paused as he attempted to cover his meal with mayonnaise. He recognized panic there as well as careful calculation. Had he planned something stupid for their date?

"Going to a movie is a must!" Someone said loudly.

"Yes! Horror movies are the best. That's guaranteed to make them scream and cling to you. That'll give you a reason to get your hands on her!" Another person said, followed by loud laughter from almost everyone.

Hijikata seemed horrified when he heard that. So he was planning to take Okita to the movie. Too bad he's going to take Okita somewhere else. It would be easy to take him out in the dark. But no. That's a very easy end compared to the pain he had created.

"Darkness is the best! If no one can see you, it's a good place!"

"Oh, have you heard about the young couple busted at the park the other day?"

The conversation quickly turned dirtier and dirtier and Hijikata's face turned paler and paler. Okita watched with interest as Hijikata slowly lost his courage. The poor thing was really at lost now. Okita had no desire to make him feel better. Wasn't it pretty obvious that Hijikata didn't have to try to leave any kind of impression on Okita? They had known each other for a very long time. Okita had never and would never change his mind about the man. He hated Hijikata. Date or no date, that sentiment would always stay.

* * *

"Oh, are you two going out?" Kondou asked when he saw Hijikata and Okita leaving the Shinsengumi headquarter together.

"Yes. It's our day off." Hijikata mumbled behind his cigarette. Obviously the last thing he wanted was to be questioned by their commander just before they went out. So he wanted to keep it a secret, eh? What was he worried about? Being known to have a feeling or being seen on a date with another male? Who was he trying to protect by pushing everyone away? In the end he only hurt others he claimed to love.

"Are you going together?" Kondou asked in mild disbelieve.

Okita used the chance to step closer to Hijikata. "Hijikata-san wants to take me on a date." He told Kondou.

Hijikata sputtered and tried to distance himself from Okita. Meanwhile Kondou blinked in surprise and confusion. It took him a while to gather his senses and laugh. "Well, have fun, you two. A male bonding between two samurai is always a good thing."

Okita watched the man leave. Kondou wouldn't know what's going on even if he saw Okita and Hijikata having sex in front of him. Oh, well. Too bad. It didn't mean he shouldn't try that some time in the future, though. No doubt the humiliation would live with Hijikata for the rest of his life.

"Why did you say that?" Hijikata demanded in embarrassment.

Okita shrugged in indifference. "I just told him the truth. Are we going or not?"

Hijikata glared at him for a moment before walking past him to the gate. "Let's go." He muttered.

"Should we hold hands?"

"Shut up!"

Okita followed Hijikata dutifully just this once. He wasn't sure where Hijikata was going to take him to. He was pretty sure that cinema and parks were out, though. A part of him was eager to find out the plan made for him. It wasn't everyday that Okita had the chance to see Hijikata's approach in romantic relationships and humiliate him at the same time.

Was this what a date with HIjikata was like? Was this what those women dreamt about? If it were his sister, what would Hijikata do? Okita felt his blood boiled when he imagined Hijikata and Mitsuba together. He knew the happiness wouldn't last long even if Hijikata had pursued Mitsuba. He would leave her sooner or later, leaving her in loneliness and sadness. Everything would end up the same way. Why did Mitsuba love him in the first place?

Okita blinked blankly at the screaming crowd and the lighted boxing ring in the center of the large room. A boxing match? Really? Hijikata's prowess in romance was as terrible as his personality, it seemed. Even Mitsuba wouldn't have approved… right? Okita knew his sister very well. He knew she would overlook the flaws and stupid mistakes. She was that kind. She adored Hijikata that much. Just like everybody else.

"You sure know how to impress your date." Okita commented as they waited for the fighters to enter the ring. Meanwhile, three dancers entertained the crowd, shaking their bodies wildly in something akin to a ritualistic dance. Okita thought the one with braided silver hair looked familiar but he wasn't so keen on watching the dancers.

Hijikata exhaled his cigarette smoke, looking a little more comfortable now. "You like watching people fight." He said simply.

Okita was going to reply with something insulting but the announcer had invited the fighters to the ring. Despite his desire to further torture Hijikata, Okita was unable to ignore the fight soon unfolding in the ring. He could defeat them in no time at all, but it always made him feel better to see two people stupidly fighting each other for absurd reasons. At least there would be fewer idiots by the end of the day. Okita wished Hijikata would join one of these matches.

They didn't talk as their attentions were focused solely on the fight. When it's over and a bloody fighter was declared winner, Okita prepared an insult to Hijikata but was distracted again when another fight began. He frowned, trying to decide whether to watch the match or to further humiliate Hijikata. Okita decided to do both.

Hijikata shifted away when Okita leaned close but Okita wrapped his arm around Hijikata's and pulled him close. Hijikata was surprisingly warm. His toned body was surprisingly comfortable to the touch. Okita imagined many women would love to be wrapped in those arms. If only Mitsuba wasn't one of them… "Who do you think is going to win this?" He asked, leaning close to Hijikata. He knew many eyes were staring at them. Hijikata was surely very conscious of this fact.

"What do you think you're doing?" Hijikata asked as he tried to pull his arms away.

"Eh? Don't couples do this during dates?" Okita asked loud enough to be heard by people around them. He sensed surprise, disgust, and some jealousy. Not that he cared. In fact he didn't care at all what it could do to himself. His only focus was causing damage in Hijikata's life.

Hijikata looked appalled but for some reason stopped pushing Okita away. "Just… don't get too close." He said as he tried to look as if he didn't know the boy clinging to his arms. It failed, of course, as Okita was almost draped over him. Okita decided that he didn't care to tease some more for now, though. The fight was interesting after all.

* * *

So the fighting ring was a good choice after all. Hijikata could almost enjoy himself if not for the spectacle Okita created. He withstood the insulting jeers, the non-accidental kicks and shoves, the disgusted look, anything. In other situation he might not endured the treatment quietly but he knew that this was what Okita was aiming for. This was what he deserved; to be hated. Hijikata wondered if the boy thought of his action carefully, though. The consequences wouldn't only befall him. Okita could and would be on the receiving end. Did he ever stop to think of what could happen to himself? Hijikata kept his eyes on the boy the entire day. He might deserve this treatment but Okita didn't.

The sky had grown dark when they exited the unnamed building. Hijikata could tell that Okita was more relaxed now than in the beginning of their date. It's almost as if the boy wasn't aware of the way other audiences treated him. It's quite a relief that they managed to leave the building relatively unscathed.

"What's next?" Okita asked, with that blank expression of his. Hijikata wondered what he really felt and thought of right now.

Hijikata looked at the glittering stars that began to emerge in the sky. He looked away when it rouse sad nostalgia from a time that wouldn't return. "What about dinner?"

Hijikata took Okita to a ramen shop he frequented. Thankfully there weren't so many patrons there because there was no way of telling what Okita would do. He was honestly too exhausted to defend civilians from Okita's sadism. Right now all he wanted to do was return to the compound and rest, waiting for tomorrow to come bring him a semblance of normalcy. But he wasn't going to get that so easily, was he?

"Is this your idea of a date?" Okita asked, slurping his ramen calmly.

Hijikata blinked in confusion. "Ah." He eventually answered in uncertainty. He's never thought of going on dates before he asked Okita to go on one with him. He had resigned himself to a lonely life, never expecting to get involved in romantic relationship with anyone.

"Would you have taken my sister to that kind of place if she had been alive?" Okita asked, glancing at the vice commander.

"What? I…"

"What is your idea of a date with my sister? Don't tell me you've never thought of it."

Hijikata put down his chopsticks, appetite gone at the thought of the 'could have'. Had he ever thought of going on dates with Mitsuba? Only every night before he slept. In his dreams he saw them together, smiling happily in a perfect world untouched by death and violence. In his dreams he held Mitsuba tightly, lovingly. In his dreams he could be honest. In his dreams he made her happy.

But when he woke up, those images were gone. He'd wake up alone and cold and Mitsuba was always so far away. He'd tell himself that there was no place for regret, no point in looking back to what's been done. But the longing never disappeared, the wishes wouldn't leave. And now, it really was too late. There was nothing he could do to change the situation. There's nothing he could do for Mitsuba.

"I don't know. I don't care."

"You don't care about making my sister happy?"

Hijikata looked at Okita. When they were this close, he could really see the boy's resemblance with Mitsuba. The hair, the eyes, and the skin color were identical to hers. His sadness and loneliness urged him to hold the person before him, to have that unattainable person in his arms. He held himself back. This wasn't Mitsuba, no matter how similar the look might be. There was something colder there though; anger that Mitsuba wouldn't display. Had she been angry with him before her death? She had every right to be angry. After all Hijikata had destroyed her chances of being happy.

"I care." He answered truthfully. He cared. But his terrible decision had stolen her happiness instead.

Okita looked at him for a long time before turning back to his meal. "You only care about your own convenience."

Hijikata said nothing. There was nothing he could say. Okita was right. He only cared about his ideas of happiness. When he realized that his ideas weren't similar to others, it was far too late. It was far too late for him to make others happy. It was far too late to make Mitsuba happy.

* * *

Hijikata didn't realize that he was following Okita to his room until the boy turned to face him. This wasn't like him at all to be so distracted but he couldn't help it this time. Hijikata was almost afraid to look at Okita. He didn't think he could handle more anger in those red eyes that were so similar to Mitsuba. Would she have forgiven him if he had apologized in time? Would she have been at least a little happier?

"Do you want to come in?" Okita asked, tilting his head slightly.

"Huh? No, I…"

"Do you want to sleep with me?"

The question startled Hijikata. He looked at Okita in disbelieve. "What?" When Okita continued to look at him with that blank expression, Hijikata sighed. He looked away, not wanting Okita to read his expression. "What on earth are you thinking, Sougo?"

"Did you not want to sleep with my sister?"

Hijikata closed his eyes. Of course he did. Of course he longed to embrace Mitsuba. Of course he longed to love her. The desire would only live in his heart, though. His cowardice and selfishness hadn't allowed him to pursue that passion. He had chosen to live without love.

Shaking his head, Hijikata turned away. "You're not your sister. Good night, Sougo."

He felt those eyes on his back until he rounded a corner. Only then Hijikata stopped and sighed deeply. His chest felt heavy with unknown emotions. There was so much pain he didn't know where to begin. And he knew this was only the beginning.

TBC

A/N: Good enough, I hope. R&R, please!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I just realized that I haven't updated even though I've finished this chapter months ago. Sorry. I hope this worth the wait.

Warning: There is some het in this chapter.

Disclaimer: Gintama and its characters don't belong to me. I receive nothing from writing this.

**Chapter 4**

"What the hell are we doing here?" Hijikata murmured, glaring at a screaming crowd of delusional male in front of him.

"Otsuu's manager asked us to guard the concert in case of a riot." Okita answered helpfully, looking bored with the current job. Hijikata wondered why he wasn't gone napping in a corner somewhere yet. "And Kondou-san doesn't want to miss watching Otsuu's live concert for free."

Hijikata frowned at Kondou who was now joining the fans screaming Otsuu's name and singing along with her. He sighed, seriously wondering the man's intelligence level at times like this.

"You're not interested, Hijikata-san?" Okita asked, moving closer to Hijikata so he could be heard over the hysterical screams. Hijikata let him. He had gotten used to being close to Okita lately. It was when Okita was a sword-length away that Hijikata must be careful.

"In what? The music?"

Okita shrugged. "The music. The singer." He glanced at the stage where Otsuu was bouncing around in her short kimono. From their vantage point, they could almost see beneath her clothes. Hijikata looked away, choosing to look at unattractive faces of rabid fanboys rather than disrespectfully peeking a woman's underwear. He wanted to arrest her with charges of indecent exposure, but then again indecent exposure is pretty much what the show was about and he'd rather not start a riot. "She's quite pretty."

"Are you interested in her?" Hijikata asked. He noticed that Okita had been staring at her for quite a while before he came to talk to him. Seeing that Okita was just a teenager, it wouldn't be strange for him to be interested in Otsuu. He knew many other teenagers were interested in her bouncy figure. Was Okita one of them?

Okita looked at Otsuu for a while. If Hijikata hadn't known him, he would've thought Okita was trying hard to get a glimpse of Otsuu's privates. He grunted in annoyance and glared at the general direction of the audience.

"She's not really my type." Okita said after a long while.

"How do you even know what your type is?" Hijikata muttered in annoyance. It took him a moment to consider all the possibilities of how that could happen. He looked at Okita with a slightly scandalized look. The boy was only looking back at him calmly, unconcerned by Hijikata's surprise.

"I'm not a kid anymore." Okita said. He blinked innocently when Hijikata continued to stare in shock. "Have you never thought of any other women?"

Well, yes, of course. But that mostly happened before he met Mitsuba. After he left to establish Shinsengumi, there had only been a handful of other women who entered his mind. All of them he easily forgot by the time the morning came. Why did Okita ask that? Had there been any special woman in Okita's life?

"When is our next day off?" Okita suddenly asked before Hijikata had the time to contemplate what to feel about the revelation.

Hijikata looked away, not wanting his thoughts to be discovered. "Two weeks from now."

"I want to take you somewhere."

* * *

The shock last briefly, but long enough by Hijikata's standard. He growled and grabbed Okita's arm roughly to pull him back.

"Where do you think you're taking me to?" He demanded angrily.

Okita blinked, innocently devious. "Why, Hijikata-san, have you never been to a brothel before?"

A girl nearby made a surprised sound and giggled. Hijikata shied away when she began to approach him. Courtesy was the only thing that stopped him from batting her wandering hand away. "That's not the point!"

"Then what is it?" Okita asked calmly.

Hijikata ignored the girls who began to surround them, murmuring nonsensical praises mixed with inappropriate seductions. "How did you even know this place?"

Okita shrugged and pulled his arm away. "Someone took me here. Come on, I'll show you around."

Hijikata stood at the entrance to the brothel, fuming silently. He wanted to grab Okita again to force him to tell Hijikata who had first brought him to this place. He's only eighteen and he was already familiar with the red light district. Hijikata swore to kill whoever the pervert who introduced Okita to debauchery, but for now he resigned himself to follow Okita. He hoped to persuade the boy to change his mind and go somewhere else. This was not a place for a date.

"Okita-sama!" A brunette appeared out of nowhere to drape herself over Okita's arm. Hijikata couldn't help but notice how she deliberately pressed her breasts against Okita. He reached out to pry her away from him but Okita's words stopped him.

"it's been a while, Erika-chan. Though I suppose you don't miss me."

How often exactly Okita visit this place? Hijikata looked at the petite girl who merely giggled at Okita's words. Perhaps she's used to his cutting remarks or too dumb to understand that she was being insulted. Was this Okita's type? Her thick make-up enhanced her beauty, making her look more doll-like in her colorful kimono. Hijikata must admit that she's rather attractive, but he was quite surprised and disappointed that Okita turned out to be the kind that chose beauty over brain.

"I bring a friend tonight." Okita said, gesturing casually toward Hijikata as if the man didn't really matter. As if Hijikata wasn't his date. Hijikata gritted his teeth, wanting nothing more than to smack the girl away and drag Okita back to the headquarter. "Is Karin-chan available?"

"Mou… You always ask about her. Am I not enough?" Erika whined though she obviously didn't really mind if Okita asked for both girls' company at once.

"Not for me. She's for him." Okita answered, not bothering to tell the girl empty lies.

How could he refer to a person as if she's just an object? And how familiar was he to this place exactly? How many girls was he familiar with? How many had he asked for company?

These questions swirled through Hijikata's mind as Erika called for Karin. He looked at Okita, confounded. The boy wasn't even looking at him, instead he was talking to other girls, all of whom he seemed familiar with. Hijikata felt a sudden urge lock him up in a place where Hijikata could watch over him. But he couldn't do that. All he could do was frown at Okita disapprovingly and hoped that Okita would cease this insanity.

"You're not old enough for this." Hijikata wanted to comment on how Mitsuba must've disapproved this but held his tongue. He knew Okita would just twist his words up and he wasn't sure he could hold his temper this time. He didn't want to solve their personal dispute in public, especially in a brothel.

Finally Okita glanced at him. But the look on his face was complete indifference, a mask Hijikata couldn't see through. "But I'm old enough to kill?"

A flicker of guilt crossed Hijikata's mind, enough to make him recoil slightly. Before he could think of anything to say, a flurry of movement distracted him. He turned to refuse whatever the woman had to offer but the word suddenly died in his throat as a sight registered to him.

Mitsuba was standing right before him. But, no. It wasn't Mitsuba. Mitsuba never cared about using make-up. Her dresses were always simple but lovely, not colorful and extravagant. The headdress was a mockery to the simplicity Mitsube had lived by. The look on her face was simply wicked, something Hijikata never associated with Mitsuba. But aside from that… those reddish eyes, brown hair, and fair skin… even that face was almost identical to Mitsuba.

"Are you Okita-sama's friend?" The woman asked. Her husky voice sent Hijikata's skin crawling but he couldn't look away from her. "I'm Karin. I'll accompany you for tonight."

He might've gaped for too long because Karin giggled at him. "Have fun, you two." Okita said, as he walked away with Erika clinging to him. This reminded Hijikata of where he was and what he was expected to do. Hijikata looked at him desperately but the boy had gone away, leaving him alone with the doppelganger.

"Shall we? I have prepared a room for us."

Hijikata wanted to say no. He really should've said no. But guilt and fear and anguish and longing stopped him from doing such. Hijikata followed Karin to a room on the second floor. His ears were deaf to the sounds of debauchery all around him. His eyes were seeing only Karin, seeking desperately for that fleeting image of his lost love in the woman. His body was aching with yearning and guilt he thought he had managed to keep at bay. His heart was somewhere else, somewhere he couldn't reach anymore.

Karin served him something. He couldn't taste anything so he couldn't tell what it was. She tried to engage him in small talks but he wasn't sure he gave any coherent response. His brain wouldn't provide him with appropriate response and he felt strangely numb from mixed emotion. She didn't seem to mind though, finding his reaction amusing.

"It's the first time Okita-sama brought someone here." She commented lightly with a devious smile.

"Oh." Hijikata blinked. Okita's name helped gather his scattered wits. He wanted to smoke but was worried his limbs would betray his apprehension. "Does he come here often?"

Karin shrugged gracefully, the movement causing her dress to slip from her shoulder. "Once a month, at least. He has asked for everyone here but me." There was jealousy in her voice, something Hijikata wouldn't dream of hearing from Mitsuba. The stench of her perfume infiltrated Hijikata and he became aware of the enclosed space they were in, the futon nearby, and the soft muffled noises from beyond the walls. This wasn't Mitsuba. This woman was definitely not Mitsuba. But that face, those eyes… they were Mitsuba's…

"He likes to look at me, though. He said I look like someone he knew." Karin whispered mischievously, eyes glinting with less than innocent intent. Hijikata hadn't realized how close she was until her body was pressed against his side intimately. His embarrassment mixed with annoyance and longing, making him unable to move. Hijikata knew this was wrong. He should get out of here. He was about to turn her down when a loud moan distracted him. He turned to the wall on his right side, frowning. "Oh, they've begun." Karin giggled.

"Who…" His question was cut short when a vaguely familiar voice moaned out a name he was very familiar with.

"Yes… Okita-sama…"

Hijikata froze, his mind stopped working at that very instant. He could only feel blankness as Karin began kissing him. Distantly he heard her whisper something about not losing to 'them' but he didn't really care. His ears couldn't help but picked up every little noise, every grunt, every moan, every plea, everything from the next room and his heart sank. His body still reacted accordingly to Karin's ministration though, despite his earlier intention to protest. Confused, lost in a world of sensation, he gave in to the woman.

Hijikata was laid on the soft futon. Eyes blindly staring at the ceiling, feeling numb inside. Mitsuba's face then drifted to his sight and, without thinking, he held the pliant body close to him. Bitter relief infiltrated him but was defeated by intense guilt. He wasn't supposed to be doing this, but Karin looked so much like Mitsuba and he couldn't reject her. The amorous noises from the room next door seemed to signify Okita's lack of interest and even approval of Hijkata's company, Mitsuba's doppelganger, a woman paid to provide false affection. This was as close as they could get to Mitsuba now. This was the Mitsuba Okita allowed him to have because Hijikata had taken away the real one. Hijikata closed his eyes, letting his body took control because his heart couldn't handle it anymore.

* * *

Okita watched Hijikata losing his composure with mild amusement. The man had been so distracted since the night they went to the brothel to the point where he almost got into trouble during work. For once, there was no need to instigate a murder attempt as Hijikata always skirted close to death lately. Okita was a little disappointed, though. He had thought it would've taken a little more to bring down Hijikata.

Maybe the shock of seeing Mitsuba-lookalike was greater than Okita thought. He knew he was shocked when he first saw Karin, as well. The similarity was ineffable and yet they were obviously two different people. Still, it was difficult for Okita to simply dismiss the physical resemblance between the women. He frequented the brothel to see her when he missed his sister too much. He ignored the differences in order to retain the illusion that Mitsuba was with him, though he deep inside he knew that Karin wasn't Mitsuba.

Hijikata hadn't quite realized it, though. The physical resemblance combined with differences in personality must have confused him. Unlike Okita, he was unable to separate fantasy and reality. He couldn't separate Mitsuba's image from Karin. That was his doom, his inability to separate past from present was.

"Are you going to visit Karin-chan again?" Okita asked one night when they were watching TV. He watched with interest as Hijikata almost dropped his cigarette and burnt himself in surprise. It would be so easy to kill him now but Okita didn't want to make things easy for the man.

"No." Hijikata replied. Okita could sense hesitance in his voice and he narrowed his eyes slightly. So Hijikata did want to see Karin again. "Why?"

Okita propped his head on his palm, looking at the TV screen in disinterest when he was actually watching Hijikata from the corner of his eye. "She likes you."

Hijikata turned to him in shock. "What makes you think so?" he asked after a moment of stunned silence. Was that hopefulness he heard in Hijikata's voice or was it fear? Must be hopefulness. He wouldn't be the first man crazy for Karin. He had certainly sounded like he thoroughly enjoyed himself that night.

"I met Erika-chan." Okita lied smoothly.

"Oh."

Okita looked at Hijikata's blank face and wondered what the man was thinking about. He didn't feel like guessing, though. He wanted to hear it from Hijikata's own mouth. "Do you like her?" He asked bluntly.

Hijikata shut his eyes and turned away from Okita, looking like he was hiding pain from the boy. Okita wanted to turn his face his way but held himself back in rare moments of pity. "She's not Mitsuba." He said, though Okita wasn't sure whether it was directed to him or Hijikata himself.

Did he think Okita hadn't noticed? That's the exact reason why he brought the man to the brothel; to remind him of what they had lost. "So?" he asked, trying not to let his anger show in his voice.

"Have you slept with her?" Hijikata suddenly asked.

Okita blinked. He hadn't expected that question from Hijikata. "Why did you ask?"

"She said you like looking at her." Hijikata said quietly as if he hadn't heard Okita speak. "Have you slept with her, too?"

Okita blinked then shrugged. One honesty wouldn't hurt him. "No. I've been with other girls there, but never with her." He couldn't. Even though he knew that Karin wasn't his sister, she still served as a replacement to MItsuba in his mind. He couldn't bring himself to treat Karin the way he treated other women in the brothel. Okita didn't feel a single spark of lust for her no matter how hard she tried. It was a weakness, a mistake. But it was a weakness Okita couldn't do anything about. He loved his sister so much. "But you have. Tell me, did you enjoy it? I heard she's very skilled in bed."

"Shut up!" Hijikata growled, face flushing in embarrassment. "How could you speak like that?"

Okita blinked and titled his head to one side. Something about Hijikata's reaction seemed a bit unusual. "Could that night be your first time with a woman?"

"I said 'shut up'!" Hijikata yelled again, cigarette almost falling from the embrace of his lips as he spoke. He sat up, glaring at Okita futilely as his face turned redder not only from anger but also from embarrassment.

Well, Okita hadn't seen that coming. He had assumed that, being older, Hijikata had learnt his way around women. He also knew that other men in Shinsengumi also loved to unwind in the brothels during their day offs and thought Hijikata had gone with them at least once or twice before. Okita was a little proud because he knew this particular subject better than Hijikata. He was satisfied that he managed to humiliate Hijikata. But for some reason, he was also a little disappointed, though he wasn't sure what exactly he had expected. Hijikata had fallen for his trap, thinking for a moment that he could use Karin to replace Mitsuba only to realize that she wouldn't be able to fill Mitsuba's role. Karin had taken away everything Hijikata held dear for Mitsuba's sake. Karin had even perhaps gained a little of Hijikata's compassion for her resemblance to Mitsuba. Karin, a prostitute, had for a moment replace Mitsuba's pure image in Hijikata's life. It was everything Okita ever dreamt of; proving how unreal and unworthy Hijikata's 'affection' for his sister was. And yet he wasn't satisfied, he wasn't happy at all. If anything he was more angry now.

"You planned to save yourself for my sister, didn't you? That's useless if you were not going to make any move."

Hijikata stood up and turned his back on Okita, realizing that he's not going to accomplish anything from this conversation. "Think all you want." He said as he left the room.

Okita watched him leave and suddenly felt very upset. He turned off the TV though it was playing his favorite drama and go to his room to rest his mind. The night didn't seem so pleasant anymore.

TBC

A/N: This is my fave chapter (so far, anyway). What do you think?


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry to those who've waited! Hope this is good enough to make up for my mistake…

Disclaimer: Gintama does NOT belong to me.

**Chapter 5**

Okita didn't approach him anymore since that last argument. Hijikata should feel more relaxed now without the burden of their little agreement but he wasn't at ease at all. It's stupid to think that Okita was done with his revenge -Hijikata knew it would never end. Maybe he's plotting something more sinister now, something more painful and the strange thing was that this thought exactly was what comfort Hijikata.

Hijikata waited and waited for Okita's next scheme in punishment. He waited for another murder attempt from the boy but nothing happened. Hijikata's life hadn't been so peaceful since he met Okita. It's so peaceful in fact, that it was unnatural. Okita always tried to harm him, he always found a way to try to eliminate him. Or was this silence his form of torture? If indeed it was, why did it work so well?

"Are you fighting with Sougo?" Kondou asked, startling Hijikata from his daydream. Hijikata glanced at the man sitting next to him on the porch. Any other time, he would've been able to sense Kondou before he got so near but it seemed like his thoughts had dulled his senses. "How rare."

"Aren't we always fighting?" Hijikata replied with as much nonchalance as he could muster, lighting up a new stick of cigarette as he had let his previous one burnt away.

Kondou gave him a knowing look, fitting the respected and beloved leader of Shinsengumi. "He always tried to kill you." He said as if it was supposed to mean something else entirely. When Hijikata refused to acknowledge his point, he continued. "He never ignored you like this."

So it's come to a point where others could see it, too. Hijikata frowned, trying to find an excuse. "It's more peaceful this way." He said gruffly.

Kondou chuckled. "You don't seem very happy with this peacefulness."

Thankfully Kondou didn't try to probe further and sent him to patrol the city instead. Work could be the key to make him forget his troubles and return him to the regular, boring life he once had. Hijikata's hope to distract himself by working disappeared when he found out that he had been assigned to patrol the city with Okita. As their car left the compound, he threw one last glare at a grinning Kondou. He could already tell that it wouldn't end well but was unable to do anything about it.

Even in private, Okita was still unwilling to talk to him. He looked outside all the time, looking as bored as usual. Hijikata knew better than to think that Okita's silence meant his mind was idle but the ignorance upset him. Okita wasn't being himself and Hijikata knew for sure it was because of him.

Hijikata's grip on the steering wheel tightened. He wanted to bash Okita's head to wring a response from the boy but he knew violence would only make things worse between them. Unfortunately he wasn't good at starting conversation or solving personal conflicts. It was too much to expect Okita to forgive and forget Hijikata's mistake, but he could at least find a solution to the tension between them. How should he approach Okita to make him talk about whatever it was he's going through?

"Kondou-san is worried about you." Hijikata finally said, covering his embarrassment with grumpiness perfectly. His cigarette helped calm his nerves slightly but he could feel his limbs trying to betray his apprehension.

For the first time since a long while, Hijikata's presence was finally acknowledged. Okita turned away from the window but still didn't look at Hijikata. "There's nothing to be worried about." He said calmly though Hijikata had the impression that he was being a sulking little boy.

Hijikata gritted his teeth, forcing his next words out. "We know it's not true."

"Oh, really?" Okita said in a mocking tone that clearly reflected his doubt of Hijikata's concern.

"What are you trying to say?" Hijikata asked defensively. In hindsight it's probably not the best approach to the situation but there was no way to take those words back.

"Nothing." Okita said, looking out again. Hijikata knew that he's going to be silent again if he didn't do anything.

"If you have something to say to me, then say it!"

Okita's glace was the coldest Hijikata has ever received. Okita had often looked at him with contempt, anger, or disrespect but he'd never looked at Hijikata as if the man didn't matter in his life at all. "I have nothing to say." He said.

Fury burnt his veins, almost making him lose control right then and there. Hijikata made a sudden turn to the right, causing the cars behind them to honk their horns angrily, and stopped at a darkened alley. This wasn't a conversation to be had while driving. He turned to face Okita who was looking back at him with his usual non-expression. The attention did relief a little of Hijikata's anger but failed to completely put it off.

"Trying to kill civilians? You should..."

"What do you want me to say?" Hijikata interrupted him angrily.

Okita tilted his head as he feigned innocence. Hijikata couldn't be fooled, he could see anger in Okita's eyes. "What do you want to say, Hijikata-san?" Okita asked in mock-politeness.

"You…" Hijikata stopped himself before he lost his temper. Yelling at Okita wouldn't solve the problem, if anything it would only make matter worse. Okita might've expected him to get angry so he shouldn't fall into this trap. Hijikata took a deep breath and chose his next words carefully. "I don't know what I've done wrong but I'm sorry."

"Why should you feel sorry for something you don't know?"

Okita wouldn't make this easy, would he? "Then let me know what I've done wrong so I can apologize properly." He stopped, searching for an answer in Okita's face. "Is this about Karin?" Did Okita like her?

Okita's eyes flashed with something cold when he mentioned Karin's name. "Oh, yes. I think you owe me a thank you for helping you lose your virginity in such a pleasurable way."

Hijikata flushed in embarrassment. He had no doubt that Okita had heard him that night since their rooms were next to each other. The memory of that night returned to him. It had been enjoyable, that much was true. But it was also humiliating. "Stop joking around! And stop talking about her like that!"

Instead of replying, Okita turned away from him and made to undo his safety belt. Hijikata immediately held his hand to stop him. He wasn't going to let Okita leave this conversation unfinished. "Please remove your hand and die, Hijikata-san." Okita said in a bored tone he often adopted in the past. It occurred to Hijikata that he hadn't been subjected to that tone for a long while –Okita had been cruel but not indifferent to him like this since their little agreement. Was Okita going to revert back to the way he used to be? Hijikata hesitated. Should he let Okita be or should he continue his attempt to resolve the strange tension between them?

When Okita attempted to resume undoing his safety belt again, Hijikata's attention returned. He held Okita's hand tighter and leaned closer as much as possible with his own safety belt still strapped around his body. "Sougo, listen to me!" He demanded. Hijikata took a deep breath to calm himself when Okita ceased his struggle for the time being. "I'm sorry. I still don't know what I've done wrong but I'm really sorry." The apology still tasted strange on his tongue. He was unaccustomed to apologies but he figured he was willing to do almost anything to fix this situation. "Let me make it up to you." He raked his brain for inspiration. A glance at Okita's beloved bazooka reminded him that the most effective way to stop the boy's anger was by offering his life. Hijikata shook his head slightly -there should be another way. "There's a festival next Saturday, let's go there."

"I imagine we will go there to guard the event anyway." Okita said dryly, unimpressed by Hijikata's offer.

"It's a small festival, our help would be unneeded." Even if their presences were required, he'd try to talk Kondou into giving them a day off. Kondou would probably be curious and start asking questions and Hijikata would have to find a way to avoid the truth. He was nervous but he also didn't want to let this chance escape. "So what do you think?" Hijikata asked, doubt creeping into his voice.

The time Okita took to consider seemed to last too long. Hijikata began to consider persuading the boy further but Okita made his decision finally. "Why not?" Okita replied with a shrug.

Hijikata released the breath he wasn't aware of holding. "All right." He said, leaning back to his seat and gripping the steering wheels tightly. He eyed the empty street ahead blankly, his mind still unable to comprehend what he had just gotten himself into. "All right. All right."

* * *

Hijikata was nervous. It was the first time he ever initiated a date with Okita. In the past, Okita had always been the one who demanded to go to dates. Hijikata honestly had no idea of what he was doing. His knowledge in dating was limited to what he had seen in dramas but he hoped that cliché would work for once.

Thankfully Kondou didn't think their help was necessary and let them have a day off. It didn't mean that there would be no Shinsegumi member in the festival though. Hijikata wasn't sure he wanted to be seen with Okita but it might worth the risk. Okita seemed to like festivals. Hopefully by bringing him to one, Hijikata would be forgiven.

"Sougo, are you ready?" Hijikata called out from outside Okita's room. He was worried that Okita might change his mind at the last minute but the boy seemed to still be in his room.

The sound of the door sliding open drew Hijikata's attention. Okita stared at him calmly, not a trace of emotion in his face. He wasn't carrying any kind of weapon with him but it didn't mean that he couldn't harm Hijikata if he wanted to. Hijikata wondered what could be in that devious mind right now but he couldn't even hazard a guess.

"Let's go." He said, trying to match Okita's aloofness with his own brand of indifference.

He noted that unlike their previous dates, Okita didn't even try to come near him this time. He walked behind Hijikata quietly, acting as if he didn't know the older male at all. Not being a good conversationalist, made Hijikata unable to start a proper conversation. He knew there was no point in apologizing since he had been denied forgiveness before but starting a topic and acting like nothing happened between them would just upset Okita more. He could only hope that the festival would lift Okita's mood and make him talk to Hijikata.

Much to HIjikata's relief, the moment they entered the crowded festival, Okita was immediately taken by the stands around him. Being the competitive person he was, Okita immediately tried some games, winning all of them and claiming top prizes easily. It was hard to read his mood and he had only briefly spared few glances to his taller companion as they looked around the place to look for interesting games. Hijikata wasn't really sure whether he had been forgiven since Okita seemed so focused on winning everything that could be won but at least he was able to return to his usual self. So he waited as Okita played, smoking cigarette at his leisure and helping to carry huge, stupid dolls Okita won just to spite other people. Maybe later when Okita was less occupied with making the stall owners bankrupt he would be able to try to talk to him again. Right now, people, mostly girls, began to surround Okita, amazed by his skills and making it more difficult for Hijikata to talk to him. He gritted his teeth, trying to not break the crowd with violence, when the girls began cheering at Okita and even flirting with him. What was wrong with young people these days?

Hijikata scanned the area around them, to distract himself from his annoyance. He had seen several uniformed Shinsengumi patrolling the place and everything seemed to be under control for once. Still, there was nothing wrong with being careful. The Joui could be anywhere, waiting to strike. Though there was no politician or members of the imperial family coming to this small festival, it didn't mean that things would be safe. Hijikata knew the organization would do almost anything to draw attention to their cause; some of them don't even care if innocent people would die in the process. He couldn't hlp but be worried that they hadn't sent enough people to watch the event.

"Did you see any Joui member?"

The question startled Hijikata though he didn't show it. He looked at Okita, wondering if it was indeed the boy talking to him. The boy was lazily looking at anything but him but Hijikata was sure it was Okita talking to him at last.

"No." He muttered, feeling a little guilty for being distracted in a date he initiated. He grabbed the white alien doll Okita had won and stuffed it in the large bags he used to carry Okita's prizes. "What do you want to do next?" He sighed when Okita merely shrugged as an answer. "Are you hungry yet? Let's have something to eat."

They bought light snacks and ate them in a quieter part near of the festival, behind the noisy stalls. There were only few people there taking a break from all the noise, sights, and crowd. Every now and then Shinsengumi members passed by, nodding to Hijikata and Okita in greetings before continuing to patrol the place. He hoped that the silence and the games Okita had partaken would make the boy talk or yell at him, at this point Hijikata didn't care as long as Okita said something. But he merely ate quietly, his mind obviously in a place Hijikata couldn't reach. Hijikata didn't understand the work of Okita's mind and maybe he wouldn't. He had thought that by being closer to Okita, he'd be able to understand a little more but all he got was more confusion, more chaos. Okita was still as eccentric as he used to be, if not more, and Hijikata still couldn't understand him.

"They seem to like you." Okita said a little absently.

"Huh?" Hijikata asked intelligently. He followed Okita's line of sight and saw a pair of girls hiding their giggles behind their hands as they looked at him and Okita. Hijikata frowned, not liking being stared at. "Oh."

"The one in pink looks like my sister."

Mitsuba? Hijikata looked at the pair of girls who seemed to enjoy his attention and assessed said girl, seeing nothing remotely resembling his old flame in the dark-haired youth. Was it the yukata she was wearing or the way she did her hair? Hijikata scrutinized the stranger, seeing nothing like Mitsuba there at all. Even Karin with her heavy makeup had more resemblance to Mitsuba. Or had his eyes or memory fooled him? It seemed unlikely. He would never forget Mitsuba.

"Kidding." Okita said, breaking the silence with his flat tone.

Hijikata growled at him angrily. "Sougo…"

"But she's pretty, isn't she?"

Hijikata glared at Okita for a while but then realized that it wouldn't affect the boy at all. He sighed, reaching for his pack of cigarette and his lighter. "Is she your type, Sougo?" He asked, feeling annoyed by his own stupidity and the girl for daring to interrupt his night with Okita.

"I was thinking that she might be your type."

"Hey, you're not thinking of setting me up with another girl are you?" Hijikata asked warily. "I mean Karin was…" He trailed off. He recalled the night he spent with Karin and flushed with embarrassment. It was true that he had enjoyed it but it hadn't felt right. He wasn't a romantic person but he felt that it wasn't the right way to make a memory. He had been tricked, fooled into submission. It left a bad aftertaste, making him feel miserable and guilty for betraying Mitsuba.

Except he didn't really betray Mitsuba. He wasn't hers just as she wasn't his. What he betrayed was his memory of Mitsuba, his secret dreams that would never come true now. It hurt more than if he really betrayed Mitsuba because he had no one to apologize to. Because now he could only live with the guilt and not be able to remove it.

"No." Okita answered, much to Hijikata's relief. "I'm just thinking that I'm tired of this."

Hijikata looked at his companion in surprise. Tired of what? Tired of the festival? Tired of playing games? Or…

"You don't have to try to please me anymore, Hijikata-san. I'm done with this. I'm done with you." And with that said, Okita turned away and left.

Hijikata was stunned and could only stare at Okita's distancing figure. His mind scrambled to explain, to find solution but he felt numb. He couldn't even make himself move to chase after Okita, to find him then make him talk. What just happened? How did it become like this? Obviously Okita hadn't been very happy lately but he hadn't given any indication of breaking their deal, he hadn't made any indication he'd leave Hijikata alone. Hijikata staggered back and leaned heavily on a nearby tree, confusion overwhelming him.

Done with him. Okita was done with him. Hijikata should've felt relieved but he only felt tired. It was done. Their deal was over. And Hijikata didn't know what to do anymore.

TBC

A/N: I must admit I wrote this on a whim so I didn't really know where it's going. It will (most probably) end in happy ending, but no promises. Please don't kill me… Reviews will feed my muse!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. Real life is keeping me stressed and occupied so I couldn't update. I hope this long and smutty chapter could make up for it. The smutty part will not be posted here, but you can find it in my LJ. I hope you enjoy this :)

Warning: yaoi, possible dub-con

Disclaimer: Gintama doesn't belong to me.

**Love's Redemption**

Okita was bored of their little game. He was bored of Hijikata submitting to whatever he demanded. He was bored of Hijikata not fighting back. He was bored of Hijikata doing exactly as he planned he would do. It's too easy, not challenging enough. Okita didn't want to waste more time with Hijikata. It was time to move on.

It was easier said than done, obviously. Mitsuba was the only family he had had. She was irreplaceable. Hijikata might be able to find someone else, there would be another girl he'd fall for, but Okita wouldn't be able to get another sister, another family, another caretaker to replace Mitsuba. Forgetting wasn't an option, either. He would never forget Mitsuba, she was far too important for him. The thought anger Okita as he realized that Hijikata could easily move on with his life while Okita would forever be condemned to a lonely life.

"Sougo, why are you still sleeping? It's time to work."

Okita took a deep, calming breath and lift his sleeping mask a little to peek at Kondou who was standing at the entrance to the room he was in. "There isn't much to do." He answered as he sat up and take off his sleeping mask.

"You could go patrol the city. Just because Joui has been quiet lately, it doesn't mean that everything is perfectly safe." Kondou said, crossing his arms on his chest and looking serious for once.

Okita actually rather hoped that there would attacks from the amanto or joui soon. He needed to relieve his distress. His body was aching for action he couldn't get from practicing with other Shinsengumi members. He wanted that adrenaline rush, something to make him forget about his troubles even if just for a while. He wanted to live for the moment, the time where all that mattered was preserving his life at any cost. He couldn't get it with peaceful days like this.

"Sougo," Kondou began, letting his serious façade drop to be replaced by a friendly expression that Okita thought fit him better. "are you having a fight with Toshi?"

Okita tried not to flinch when he heard the name of the person he was currently trying to avoid. He shrugged instead, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. How many days had it been since they talked? A week had already gone and Okita had gotten tired of expecting an apology. He realized that Hijikata didn't even try to strike up a conversation with him or even look at him anymore. Obviously he was pleased that their deal was over. He was happy that he could now move on with his life. Okita loathed him for it and this time he didn't think he could ever forgive the older man. "I don't know. Why don't you ask him?"

Kondou sat down heavily next to him, staring the patch of blue sky that could be seen from the top of the tall fence. "I have. He said he doesn't know."

Of course he didn't know. He was too busy moving on from Mitsuba. He was probably too preoccupied with looking for a girlfriend to try to understand why Okita suddenly decided to end their arrangement. He bet the man didn't find much difficulty there; girls had always flocked to him and now that he didn't have Mitsuba to save himself for, he only had to pick one of his eager fans to warm his bed at night as Karin had done. "Well, I don't know either."

Kondou sighed heavily. "Just when I thought you two have become friends, you fight again."

Friends? Okita tried not to laugh out loud at the irony. "I don't think we'll ever be friends." Okita replied.

"Why? I think you have a lot in common."

The only thing they had in common was their loves for Mitsuba, but Okita bit his tongue before he said it. "Really?"

Kondou laughed loudly then stood up and pat Okita on the head like an older brother, or perhaps a father, would. It reminded Okita of his childhood, when he was still a student at the dojo and Mitsuba still took care of him and Hijikata never existed in his life. Those were good days, those were happy days, those days didn't bring him as much pain as it did nowadays. "Of course you do. You're just too busy fighting with him to notice."

Okita thought of this. No matter how he looked at Hijikata he found no similarity between them at all. They had different personalities and interests. The only things that they had in similar were Shinsengumi, love of sword fighting, and Mitsuba. In other words, the only things they had in common were the very things that brought them apart. Friendship had no place in their lives. The only times they could tolerate each other were in the battle field, when Okita knew he could count on Hijikata to help him gain victory. And Okita wasn't even sure of that now. He didn't think he wanted to be anywhere near Hijikata where he would continually be reminded to his sister's unfulfilled wishes and her grief.

Okita stood up and put his sleeping mask in his pocket. "You might be right, Kondou-san. But I really don't think we could be friends."

Kondou sighed in exasperation and shook his head. "The two of you are too stubborn. Do you know that…"

Kondou's speech was interrupted by Yamazaki's yell. He was running toward them, face red from exertion and panic. "Commander! Captain Okita!"

"What is it, Yamazaki?" Kondou asked, looking a little worried.

"A group of people has seized an amanto embassy! They're heavily armed and have threatened to kill everyone in the building if we go near!"

"Is it that Katsura again?"

Yamazaki shook his head. "We don't think so."

"All right. What are we waiting for? Let's go!" Kondou shouted and began to lead the way.

Okita followed him quietly, touching his sword in longing. His heart had begun to pound in excitement. The thought of Hijikata and Mitsuba were distant now as he turned his focus on the task at hand. He would finally find his relief.

* * *

The car made a sudden stop dangerously close to several Shinsengumi members. Hijikata quickly got out off the car, making a quick assessment to the situation. They had done a good job at keeping the crowd as far away from the scene as possible. From what he had heard from the radio, the terrorists were carrying various types of weapons with them, endangering people's lives. The big western-style building was quiet though Hijikata guessed the situation inside was chaotic to say the least.

"Are they still inside?" Hijikata asked a nearby officer.

"Yes, Sir. They held the ambassador hostage until they are given a vehicle to leave the premises."

"They'll still probably kill him if we give them what they want anyway." Hijikata growled.

"Commander also said so. He's over there with Captain Okita." The officer said, pointing to a direction where both Kondou and Okita could be seen standing in front of a car, giving orders and watching for any movement from inside the embassy.

Hijikata froze for a moment, eyes quickly searching for the sandy-haired youth. For a moment he didn't know what to do; whether to approach him or pretend that he didn't realize his presence. He still didn't know how to act around Okita after the night at the festival. He only knew he had somehow made the boy upset but he didn't know how. The end of their deal was relieving in a way, but Okita's silence and ignorance made him feel guilty.

"There you are, Toshi!"

Red eyes turned to him briefly before turning back to the mansion. Hijikata inhaled the comforting smoke of his cigarette and approached his comrades. Unlike before, Kondou was now too focused on the job to ask them about the strain in their messed up relationship. Hijikata was secretly grateful for that but at the same time he was disappointed because he knew Okita wouldn't talk to him without Kondo's initiation.

"I heard they refused to let the hostages leave until they're given escape vehicle."

Kondou nodded. "The old man would kill me if I ever so much as asked for a vehicle for them." He said, referring to Matsudaira.

"Or he'll come to deliver a battle fleet and destroy the entire city himself." Okita commented.

Hijikata glanced at Okita, wondering if the comment was even slightly directed to him, but Okita seemed aloof. He sighed, feeling annoyed by the ignorance. Why wouldn't Okita just let him know what he had done wrong so they could get over this quickly? Didn't this tension bother the boy, too?

"I guess that only left one option. We should try to infiltrate the embassy and free the hostages." Hijikata said, hiding his aggravation behind a scowl. "Where's Yamazaki?"

"He's already…"

Loud sounds of gunshot suddenly filled the air. From the embassy they could hear sounds of glass breaking followed by more gunshots. Everyone ducked for cover but none of the shots seemed to be directed to them. This could only mean one thing: Yamazaki had been discovered.

Hijikata could tell that Kondou was surprised. It was extremely rare for Yamazaki to fail his undercover mission. Hijikata didn't know whether Yamazaki had people backing him up or not but he was now worried about the safety of his comrade and the hostages. Beside him, Kondou stood ready to give order when suddenly Okita ran into the mansion, using Yamazaki's failure as a distraction.

"Sougo!" Hijikata cried out but Okita wasn't listening. Not having much choice, Kondou yelled a battle cry and ran after the youth, followed by his loyal friends. Hijikata quickly ran after them, trying to keep up with Okita's pace to no avail. The boy was the first to arrive at the door and cut it down with his sword. He didn't even wait for his comrades before entering the dangerous place.

Hijikata cursed loudly. Did he have a death wish or something? Didn't he hear the gunshots? They didn't even know what else they got inside or how many of them are there. What was Okita thinking, jumping into the dangerous situation like that?

Very soon the embassy turned into a battle field. Despite being outnumbered, the Joui people managed to hold Shinsegumi at bay with their guns. Hijikata was worried that these people might bring bombs and resort to exploding the embassy along with everyone in it. He had to risk it, though, as there was no longer turning back. He heard Kondou ordering to fire cannons at the Joui and ducked just in time as dust and debris flew to every direction. As soon as the dust settled, Shinsengumi used the chance to push forward and thankfully this time succeeding to take down armed terrorists.

In the midst of this chaos, Hijikata searched for Sougo. He had seen glimpses of the boy but didn't have the chance to pull him back. Now he was missing again and he feared the worst. His heart pounded heavily as he ran through unfamiliar corridors and checked empty rooms. He heard shouts from other side of the embassy, announcing that they have found some of the hostages. Hijikata refused to let his guard down before he swept the entire place free of Joui.

"Vice-commander, they're here!"

He saw huge double doors in the distance and Okita coming out of one room. Before he could call out to the youth, Okita had already approached the door and forcefully opened it. As soon as the pieces of wood fell, they heard shots. Hijikata just had enough time to drop to his knees before a bullet hit the wall right beside where his head had been. Several of his comrades had fallen to the ground, blood flowing from their wounds. Okita was nowhere in sight.

"Sougo!" He shouted but his voice was drowned by more firing of guns. He growled and pushed himself to his feet and ran into the room, unmindful of the danger waiting for him inside.

Sougo. He must find Sougo.

* * *

Hijikata staggered from the meeting room where he had listened to Yamazaki's report about the failure of his mission. He had made a miscalculated move and was discovered by of the Joui who began shooting him just as he was about to find the room where they kept the hostages. Thankfully he managed to escape the dangerous situation alive but he had alerted Joui about Shinsengumi's unwillingness to give into their demands. Yamazaki did his best to distract them from killing the hostages while his friends outside made their move. He knew that their priority was saving the amanto ambassador at any cost. He also knew that his comrades had heard the gunshots and were doubtlessly planning an attack very soon. Yamazaki apologized profusely for failing his mission and putting the lives of many Shinsengumi in danger, but Hijikata had no interest in listening to it. He left Yamazaki's fate to Kondou's hands and left.

Hijikata smoked in the garden to calm his mind, but nothing would ease his mind. He felt angry, worried, frustrated, confused and there seemed to be only one person who could make him feel better. Okita still wouldn't talk to him, though. Although Hijikata had practically challenged death for him and dragged him out of the bloody place, Okita still wouldn't talk to him. What did the boy wanted this time? Hadn't that been apologetic enough? Hadn't his previous actions showed how much he cared and regretted any wrong he had done?

Hijikata dropped his cigarette and crush it with his shoe. Okita wasn't the only one who could end things when he felt like it. Hijikata could do it, too. Right now he was done with Okita's sulking and suicidal moves. He was tired of dealing with this brat.

As he stomped toward Okita's room, he felt his anger grew. The boy hadn't attended the meeting because he was still nursing his injury, but Hijikata wouldn't allow that to fool him. Okita had suffered various injuries in the past, some of them worse than what he had today, and he still lived. Hijikata would resolve their situation tonight. He didn't care if he would make things worse but he didn't want this weird tension anymore.

Hijikata opened the door to Okita's room without announcing his presence. Okita didn't seem surprised to see him, though. He was sitting on the floor, polishing his sword calmly. The parts where a bullet had grazed his side while another had hit his left arm had been dressed, the bandages were visible as Okita was shirtless. The wounds were only recently treated if the presence of the medicine kit was any indication. Okita's movement was almost as smooth as usual though Hijikata could see that he tried not to burden his healing arm too much. These were the only details that registered to the vice-commander's mind before he shut the door behind him angrily.

"What did you think you're doing?" He demanded.

Okita seemed calm as he continued to polish his sword. "I'm polishing my sword."

Hijikata fumed but didn't dare to come too close while Okita was carrying a deadly weapon. "Were you suicidal or what? Why did you just charge into the embassy without Kondou-san's order?"

"I couldn't let the opportunity slide." Okita replied without looking at Hijikata.

"You could get yourself killed!"

"I could." Okita nodded to concede to his point. His voice was strained as he continued, still without looking at Hijikata. "It's not going to be any of your concern, is it, though?"

"What is wrong with you?"

This time Okita didn't answer. He sheathed his sword and put it away. "Hijikata-san, I'm tired and I need to recover. Can you leave?"

Seeing as the sword was no longer in Okita's hold, Hijikata took a step forward. "I'm not leaving until I get an answer!"

Maybe it's the light but Hijikata thought he saw the boy's eyes glint dangerously. He noticed that the sword was still within Okita's reach so he didn't move further into the room. "What kind of answer do you want?"

"I want you to tell me why you made that stupid move today and risk your lives as well as others'!"

"Why would you care?"

"Why would I… What do you mean? Of course I care! I can't let one stupid move get the entire Shinsengumi killed!"

"Ah, so you're worried about others' safety. Well, rest assured, Hijikata-san, next time I will make sure not to involve anyone when I feel like taking a suicide mission." Okita replied sarcastically.

Hijikata had no doubt that Okita was referring to the mission he took on his own when Mitsuba was sick for that very last time. He realized that he had also been careless then but it wasn't the point now. He had made a mistake by assuming that he could handle everything on his own and by taking it personally without thinking that the entire Shinsengumi was also connected to his lone action and mission. It was a mistake he didn't want to repeat and he wasn't about to let anyone else commit the same mistake, especially Okita.

"That's not what I mean!"

"Then what do you mean? You wouldn't care even if I die, anyway." Okita said coldly.

Had Okita been wearing a shirt, Hijikata would've grabbed his collar and shook him until he regained his sensibility. As Okita was shirtless, Hijikata could only scowl menacingly. "What are you thinking, Sougo?"

Okita stood up and gave Hijikata the coldest glare he had ever given anyone. "Isn't it obvious, Hijikata-san?" He said. "Stop pretending like you care and leave me alone. I'll make sure not to get anyone in trouble again next time."

When Okita turned away from him and crossed the room to leave since Hijikata refused to leave him alone, Hijikata lost his temper. He grabbed the boy by his uninjured arm and pulled him back. "Don't be stupid, Sougo! I don't want you to die!"

"And if I want to die?" Okita challenged.

Hijikata couldn't tell whether he was serious or not but he couldn't bear the thought of losing Okita after Mitsuba's death. "I won't let you!"

Okita chuckled darkly. "How very selfish of you. Wouldn't you just let me get what I want for once?"

"When what you want is death? I don't care what you call me, Sougo, but I won't let you do that again!"

"Why would you care anyway? You only ever care about my sister! You're just guilty about her death! You regret being stupid enough to not try to be with her! You never care about me!"

Okita's words struck something in Hijikata's heart. He had wanted to keep this argumentation as peaceful as it could be but he couldn't contain his anger anymore. He pushed Okita down until the boy was lying on his back. One of his hands rested threateningly on the wound on Okita's arm while he used the other to lightly choke Okita. He settled between Okita's legs and pressed his body as close as possible to Okita, not wanting to be kicked by the boy.

"Listen to me! Listen to me! Sougo!" He shouted when Okita continued to struggle beneath him. He wanted to tell Okita that he cared. He wanted to tell Okita that the silence and tension frustrated him. He wanted to tell Okita many things but he wasn't and wouldn't be listened. Frustration mounting to a breaking point, he let go of his final shred of control and bent down to kiss Okita.

He hadn't learnt how to kiss properly. His memory from the night he spent with Karin was vague and he'd very much rather forget about it. He wasn't sure whether he was doing it right but he didn't care. He deepened the kiss, only partially aware that Okita had ceased his struggling now. He tightened his grip on Okita's wound marginally then pulled away.

"Dammit, Sougo, I care." He whispered. Okita's eyes widened slightly in shock. He wasn't the only one surprised by the admission. "I care." Hijikata repeated again before leaning down to kiss Okita as best as he could. Tongue running over teeth and gums and soft palate, he felt desperation to make Okita understand grew.

* * *

Hijikata slowed down, panting for breath. Beneath him, Okita was still facing away from him, eyes closed as he tried to regulate his breathing. His fair skin was still flushed and covered with perspiration. His short brown hair was wet and in disarray. The sight was a little familiar as Hijikata had often seen it in his dream. But this time, something was different. Something was not right.

Suddenly Hijikata realized what he had done. Dread began to fill him. He tried to read Okita's expression but the boy's face was kept carefully blank except for obvious hints of exhaustion. Hijikata wanted to apologize but he knew he wouldn't be heard. Why was he so stupid? Why did he lose control like that? He knew he would never gain Okita's forgiveness now.

Slowly, Hijikata pulled out from Okita. He dressed quietly and still Okita wouldn't move from his spot on the floor. He contemplated on asking forgiveness again or dressing Okita but he didn't think Okita wanted to be touched by him again. There was nothing he could do but leave and wait until Okita could forgive him –whenever that might be. Hijikata slid the door open slightly and threw one last glance at the boy lying sprawled on the floor –a perfect picture of debauched innocence. Guilt and dread suffocated him but he wasn't wanted here.

'I'm sorry', he wanted to say. 'I didn't mean it to be like this', 'I didn't want to hurt you', 'I only want you to know that I care' were what he meant to say but he only turned away wordlessly, leaving Okita to search a sanctuary from the chaos that was his mind.

**TBC**

A/N: Action isn't my strength and I apologize that it's not exciting enough. Review, please? ^^


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Here's the latest chapter! Sorry for the long wait but it took me a while to figure out how I want to end this fic. The end isn't near yet, tho, so be prepared for more drama! I hope you enjoy this!

Standard disclaimer apply.

**Love's Redemption**

It hurt. It hurt more than he thought it would. The soreness all over his body reminded him of the time he first learnt to wield a sword. But it was a time long gone and it was a cause to be proud of. This, however, was humiliating, degrading even. Okita wasn't Kondou-san whose dignity was occasionally overruled by idealism or misdirected passion. His pride disallowed him from showing his weaker side, showing that he had submitted to a man –especially when that man is Hijikata Toshiro. Okita had thought he hated Hijikata, but what he used to feel then was nothing compared to now.

It took an effort to not fidget on his seat as he attended the communal breakfast. It was difficult to maintain a calm charade when all he wanted to do was search for Hijikata and killed the man, Shinsengumi rules be damned. It was only right to reclaim his dignity in that way. The only thing that stopped him was the bitter admittance that he had wanted the pleasure as well. As hard as it was to admit it, he couldn't will himself to stop Hijikata.

Okita had been with many women and enjoyed their company as well as the softness of the curves of their bodies. But he never considered being with another man. Theoretically, he knew why women flocked the kinds of men like Hijikata, why they saw them as attractive. He'd even begrudgingly admit wanting the masculine look; the strong jaw, high cheekbones, thin lips, broad shoulders, and powerful physique –he didn't always enjoy being the pretty boy despite its occasional advantages. But being with a man, let alone Hijikata Toushiro, was another thing entirely. He had thought he would've despised it. He had never thought that it could've been that thrilling. It was different from being with a woman. Something about touching and being touched by a man sent his heart racing faster than usual, made pleasure more intense than ever. He was horrified when he realized how he wanted it again when Hijikata left him.

Okita was used to pain and giving pain, but he wasn't accustomed to being tortured by pleasure. His body sought it even when his mind rebelled. He didn't want to do it with Hijikata, didn't want to submit himself to that man in that way, but the temptation of bliss was too strong. It wasn't just about the arousing touches or the heated kisses. It wasn't just about the bliss he found in Hijikata's hands and mouth. Hijikata's inexperience had thrilled him, the man's loss of control had satisfied him. Hijikata's absence now proved that Okita, too, had affected him. Was he as embarrassed as Okita was? Or was he secretly gloating last night's event?

"Okita-san?" Someone asked when Okita stood up, leaving his meal unfinished.

"I'm not hungry anymore." Okita said. He quickly answered several inquiries before returning to his room. He needed to gather his wit. He couldn't let Hijikata know how badly he was affected. He should find a way to make Hijikata pay tenfold. How stupid of him to end their game so early, thinking that it was enough to avenge his sister's wasted years of suffering. Was this Hijikata's way to regain his false honor?

Usually, Okita enjoyed seeing other's humiliation and suffering, but this game had gone too far for too long. It was time to end it and this time, he would end it the right way.

* * *

Hijikata spent days avoiding Okita. He kept himself busy with patrols, only returning to the headquarter very late at night when he was sure everyone, including Okita, was already asleep. Hijikata was an experienced swordsman, but he couldn't handle so much tension for such a long period of time. His entire body was exhausted from sensing any sign of Okita's presence all the time. He couldn't get a good rest, always worrying about the possibility of Okita finding him. What would the boy do to him? Hijikata doubted it would be something as easy as murder. What he had done was unforgivable. He knew that very well.

From what he had heard, Okita seemed to be behaving normally. Hijikata doubted it, though. There was no way Okita would be his usual self after what he had done to him. His paranoid mind supplied him with various ways Okita had done to try to kill him in the past. Kondou wouldn't approve two Shinsengumi members killing each other, but Hijikata didn't think Okita would listen. Or would he? The boy certainly wouldn't run out of idea on how to torment Hijikata without actually killing him. The paranoid thoughts were endless, filling his mind the longer this problem was left unsolved. Hijikata must end this game of cat and mouse. But how?

Hijikata arrived at Shinsengumi headquarter after midnight. The Shinsengumi member he patrolled the city with had gone to his sleeping quarter after bidding him a tired good night. Hijikata lingered near the cars, pretending to finish his cigarette when he was in fact searching to any sign of wakefulness. When he heard nothing but silence and saw nothing but darkness, he quietly made his way to his room. He was tired, but he knew he wouldn't have a restful sleep tonight either.

He almost missed the glint of metal in the darkness when he opened the door to his room, but his instinct as a swordsman warned him of the dangerous presence and he dodged just in time. The sword sliced thin air but the fight had only begun. Hijikata's hand immediately found the handle of his sword, but he couldn't draw it out of its sheath when he recognized his attacker.

Hijikata's hesitance proved to be a fatal mistake. Okita didn't share his wish to preserve a teammate's wellbeing and renewed his effort to cut the vice commander. Although dim light didn't show the boy's expression, Hijikata could sense that he was serious. This wasn't one of his pranks or a friendly spar. Okita really wanted him dead.

The realization sent a sinking feeling to Hijikata's stomach. Yet as much as he wished to avoid this potentially deadly confrontation, he knew he wouldn't be heard. He drew out his sword with a heavy feeling he had never felt since the day he left to Edo. The sound of clashing metal was loud in the night, drowning out Hijikata's futile plea for a stop. He dodged and blocked Okita's deadly sword, but never once tried to attack him. If Okita noticed this, then he didn't care. If anything, it might have incensed him more as he grew more and more violent, coming close to causing real harm to Hijikata many times.

"Sougo, stop it!" Hijikata begged when the sword cut his uniform. Okita's silence told him that he wasn't heard and that the near successful attack would only motivate him to try harder. Hijikata leapt back when Okita swung his blade to disembowel him, cutting into his skin and drawing a little blood. If this went on, he would have to do more than just defending himself. "Stop it, please!"

Hijikata never thought he'd face this dilemma. He had killed many people before. He never once questioned it -it came with the path he chose. But he never thought he'd have to kill or seriously injure someone so close to him. He knew his relationship with Okita had always been rocky to say the least, but he never wished to cause him harm. No matter how angry he was, he would never hurt Okita.

And yet there he was, having to choose between killing and being killed. Hijikata knew it was his fault. He had brought this upon himself. He knew he deserved this anger, this punishment. He blamed it on his survival instinct for preventing him from surrendering his life easily. He couldn't help but wish there was another solution, a way to gain Okita's forgiveness. He wasn't very good with words, though, and Okita was unwilling to listen. Besides, was what he had done forgivable at all?

The internal conflict distracted HIjikata briefly, but it was enough for Okita to find a hole in his defense. Hijikata knew the moment the sword approached him that it was the killing blow. Even if it didn't kill him immediately, he would be left with a fatal wound he would not survive. He gritted his teeth and held his sword in front of him, hoping against all hope that he could block it in time. Was this how his life going to end? In the hands of a friend he had hurt and humiliated?

"What's going on here?"

Okita's sword stopped just short of cutting Hijikata open. He glanced to the side where the commander along with several Shinsengumi members was looking at them in confusion. Hijikata didn't dare to breathe a sigh of relief yet. Okita's expression was unreadable, the mask of a cold-blooded murderer.

"Isn't this a little too late for training?" Kondou asked sleepily. It took him a while to notice that they were using real swords and there were cuts on Hijikata's clothes. "Wait. Sougo, why are you…."

Hijikata waited with baited breath for the moment Okita revealed his sin. If he was lucky enough to not be executed by either Okita or the Shinsengumi, he would be sent to prison at worst, or cast away from Shinsengumi at best. He resigned himself to fate. There was nothing he could do or say to defend himself.

"He deserves to die."

Okita's cold voice silenced Hijikata's hope to live. He knew the captain's enough to know that it was near impossible to change Okita's mind. His comrades realized this, too, and shifted nervously. They wanted to stop Okita, but they didn't want to be in the receiving end of the brunet's rage. Hijikata couldn't blame them. It was his fault, anyway.

"What did Toushi do?" Kondou asked, sounding surprisingly calm despite the fact that he was facing a very unpredictable and dangerous Okita.

Okita was still for a moment. Hijikata wished he could clearly see is face to judge his thought and feeling but the cloud had covered the moon, depriving them of the only source of light.

"That's between me and him." Okita answered. His voice was quiet but steady as he spoke.

Kondou frowned and looked at questioningly but the vice commander wasn't able to give an answer. "Well, I don't know what he has done, but can't you talk about it first?"

"There is nothing to talk about."

"I'm sure there must be a way for Toushi to properly apologize to you. Give him a chance, Sougo." Kondou pleaded on the behalf of his friend. There was a hint of desperation in his voice. He was aware of how Okita could disregard him and end Hijikata's life now.

Much to Hijikata's surprise and relief, Okita lowered his sword. "Fine." He said curtly before sheathing the weapon and going to one of the meeting room. He didn't have to say anything; Hijikata knew he must follow him.

Kondou looked at Hijikata curiously when he passed by him. "What happened?"

Hijikata stopped briefly. He could confess now and have his fate decided by his friend. They might be friends but Kondou wouldn't be able to ignore his crime. Justice would be carried out in the way they had spent years practicing.

But Okita had refused to explain the situation. Hijikata wasn't entirely sure of what the captain was thinking, but he was quite certain that Okita didn't want the crime revealed yet. The least Hijikata could do in this situation was respect that. He was sure that Okita would think up a punishment worse than that written in the law, but after what he had done, maybe he really deserved that.

"It's between me and him." Hijikata replied. He walked away from his confused comrades and into the room where his fate awaited.

* * *

Hijikata was surprised he wasn't immediately beheaded the moment he entered the room. Okita sat down near the corner the farthest from the doors and Hijikata approached him cautiously. He sat down a few feet away from the boy and waited until he spoke first. When Okita resolutely avoided looking and talking to him, he knew he must start it.

"I'm sorry." Hijikata whispered, bowing slightly. He was unaccustomed to apologizing; he never wanted to bow in front of anybody. His pride rebelled when begged for Okita's forgiveness.

Okita's silence frightened him. He resisted the urge to straighten his back and see what his teammate was up to. He heard no sound of sword being drawn from its sheath, but it didn't calm him much.

"I didn't know you're gay." Okita finally spoke, menace lacing his voice.

Hijikata slowly sat up, waiting for reprimand. "I'm not." He denied quietly.

Okita scoffed, an evil smirk forming on his lips. "I find that hard to believe."

Hijikata didn't know how to reply. He was sure he wasn't gay. His feeling for Mitsuba was real, he knew it for sure. He wouldn't have grieved for so long or seen her in Karin's face otherwise. His longing for the late Okita was too painfully intense to be anything but true. But…

"Then how do you explain what you did to me?"

Hijikata didn't know. He honestly didn't know. He was never sure of where and how Okita would fit into the picture. He wasn't lying when he said he cared. They had known each other for so long. Despite how badly Okita treated him occasionally, he was still a friend, a teammate, a confidant to Hijikata. But, Hijikata never thought that he was attracted to him. Okita was indeed good-looking, but he was a friend and Mitsuba's brother. He was the last person Hijikata should feel any attraction to.

"I can't explain that." Hijikata admitted. "I don't understand it myself."

"Is it because I look like my sister?"

Hijikata looked at Okita in surprise. For the first time since they started the conversation, Okita looked back at him. The blank mask on the youth's face made Hijikata's stomach dropped. "No!" If anything, the fact that Okita looked so much like Mitsuba made him feel worse than he already did about what he had done.

"So, you're gay."

"What? No, I'm not!" Hijikata exclaimed, indignant. The look on Okita's face clearly showed that he didn't believe him. Hijikata was about to launch a tirade on how he was perfectly straight, when he remembered why he was in this room in the first place. He took a deep breath to calm himself, wishing that he had a cigarette to help him relax. "I don't know what has gotten into me, but… I'm really sorry for what I've done. I shouldn't have…"

"Had sex with me?"

Hijikata stopped, shocked by Okita's bluntness. "Yes." He said hesitantly. He felt like he started to lose control of the situation.

"Even though you have obviously enjoyed it?"

"Sougo!"

"You definitely seemed like you enjoyed me a lot. Was I good? I must've been, since you…"

"Sougo, stop it!" Hijikata exclaimed, face burning as he glanced at the door nervously. He didn't sense other presences that might have overheard their conversation, but he could never be sure. He shuddered to think of the punishment that would wait for him if someone found out about this.

Surprisingly, Okita stopped. Hijikata would like to think that he didn't want anyone to hear them, either, but this was Okita. He could never be a hundred percent certain with him. His concern was proven correct when the captain spoke again.

"It's only fair that you make it up to me by letting me have my way with you."

"What?" Blood drained from Hijikata's face when he heard Okita's proposition. "This isn't funny, Sougo!"

"What you did to me wasn't funny, either." Okita pointed out the obvious coldly. He looked at Hijikata's nervous form up and down, making him uneasy. "I'll try to make it not hurt."

Hijikata opened his mouth to protest, but he knew that Okita was right. This was the only fair punishment short of killing him. He swallowed nervously, regretting his loss of control that night. "Fine." He said eventually. Dread made his heart grew heavy, but he wouldn't escape this. He did deserve to be punished for the pain and humiliation he had caused, and if this was the punishment Okita chose for him, then he'd do it.

TBC

A/N: oh yes, there will be more smut XDD R&R?


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Very sorry for the delay. I've been meaning to post a few weeks ago, but some things always came up -_- Anyway, this version is rated NC-17 and the smut can be found in my LJ. And, um, if you're not OkiHiji fan, maybe you shouldn't check my LJ ^^ Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama.

**Love's Redemption**

Okita thought he'd enjoy it. He thought the look of fear on Hijikata's face would soothe his wounded pride a little. What he didn't expect was excitement, eagerness to carry out the threat. It bothered him greatly. He tried to distract himself with thinking of the many ways he could hurt not only the vice commander's physique, but also his mind. But that didn't last too long. Soon, it was replaced by just the simple desire of being with Hijikata, taking him, being pleasured by him, and pleasuring him in return.

Of course he didn't let it show. After their little conversation, he had refused to talk to Hijikata again. Kondou had tried to encourage reconciliation, but the problem had been solved. They had reached an agreement. Okita just refused to talk or do carry it out for now.

He could tell that Hijikata was nervous. The dark-haired man had been smoking and snapping at random people more than usual. In normal circumstances, Okita would mock and aggravate him, but he figured that this time, silence could be the best form of provocation. He let the man stew in apprehension while silently berating himself for his loss of control. What was wrong with him? He used to despise that man! How could just one night of mistake change his mind so drastically?

Okita never thought of himself as the sort of person who could easily be influenced by sex. It was just a matter of meeting physical needs, nothing more. Just like when he was at work, he put his feelings aside when he was in the company of women. So, how did a night with Hijikata affect him so? Was it because he knew Hijikata personally? Was it because of Hijikata's claim that he cared? Was it because that was Hijikata, a man he tried to surpass, a man he had fought side-by-side with, a man who had his back on life threatening situations?

No. It wasn't about Hijikata at all. Okita couldn't care less about him. He shouldn't. He was an enemy, a man to hate and despise. It must be something else. Maybe because it was Okita's first time being with a man. It was something new, something that had never occurred to him before. He was just confused. Yes, that was it. He was just confused.

It was that thought that had driven Okita to a seedy part of the city on his day off today. He had never been here before, but he knew it was famous for a particular kind of prostitution. Hijikata must have expected him to fulfill his threat today since it was their day off. Unfortunately for him, Okita had other plans. He would have to wait a little more. Okita needed to get his head straight. He didn't want to face Hijikata like this.

The young man was cute. He was maybe just a little older than Okita himself. He had dark hair and eyes, and a boyish look, and was cleaner than most male Okita had seen in the alley so far. He smirked smugly when Okita approached him, mentioned an amount of money that Okita quickly agreed to, and led him to a darkened and deserted corner.

Not surprisingly, he was good, a professional. Okita could barely stop snapping his hips when he was engulfed in warm, moist mouth. The captain sighed softly, enjoying the familiar sensation while burying his fingers in thick dark hair of his paid lover. This part wasn't so different from when he was with a woman, except that if he looked down he would see a masculine face instead of a feminine one. Okita grunted softly, leaking profusely into the eager mouth, when mischievous eyes looked up to him. He loved it when they did that.

"Enough." He commanded, and shuddered when cold night air hit his sensitive manhood.

A tube was handed to him before the young man undid the bottom of his hakama and switched position with him, bracing himself against the wall. "You know what to do, don't you?" He taunted with a seductive look thrown over his shoulder.

"Of course." The memory of the night he spent with Hijikata was still fresh in his mind, replayed many more times than he liked to admit. It's time to make new memory.

It was hot and soft, also tighter than he had imagined. No wonder Hijikata had enjoyed himself. The lack of curves was something new, but not as disturbing as he thought it would be. The whore's skin was soft, almost like a woman's. Somehow Okita worked up the courage to wrap his fingers around the whore's hardness. It was weird at first, but he quickly forgot about that as his control dissolved and he snapped his hips faster. Okita frowned and leaned his head on the stranger's shoulder as he felt his peak nearing, too quickly for his liking. He had to work on that.

He lasted longer than Hijikata did, Okita thought smugly. He gave the sated young man a little more than he promised, pleased with their exchange. Okita left the alley as quietly as he entered. He didn't look back, but he knew he'd make a return.

* * *

Hijikata watched Okita like a hawk, had been for a few weeks now. The captain was acting nonchalant, like nothing had happened, when that couldn't be more untrue. Something had happened; something that he had hoped Okita would voluntarily stop on his own but didn't. Hijikata had tried to keep quiet, but his patience was limited. He had to speak with Okita.

Kondou was delighted when Hijikata ask to be partnered with Okita for their morning patrol. Hijikata doubted he would be if he knew the vice commander's real intention and the situation that led to it. It was better for Kondou to keep believing that there was a possibility of some kind of reconciliation or a truce between Hijikata and Okita.

The captain barely lifted an eyebrow when Hijikata climbed into the driver's seat next to him, but it was obvious from his lingering gaze that he didn't expect that. Okita looked away as they drove away from the headquarter and didn't speak, focused on watching the city for possible crimes. Hijikata waited, smoking heavily and constantly fidgeting in his seat, hoping to draw a response from Okita. Unfortunately, the captain didn't even seem to notice, and soon Hijikata really lost his patience.

"I know where you went last night!" He barked, turning his frustration to Okita.

Finally, Okita looked at him. His face was passive as he answered. "I don't know what you're talking about." He lied.

His calmness infuriated Hijikata even more. "I know where you've been going many times these past few weeks!" He finally shouted.

Okita tilted his head to the side, unprovoked. "So you've stalked me."

Hijikata's face flushed in anger and embarrassment. "I didn't!"

"Of course, you did."

"No, I-That's not what we're talking about!" Hijikata yelled, realizing that he had slowly gone off track. He wasn't about to start an argument about stalking. That's not the issue he wanted to talk about. What he wanted to talk about was…

"What are we talking about, anyway, Hijikata-san?"

"I know you've been buying male prostitutes!"

The silence in the car was deafening. Hijikata was suddenly acutely aware that Okita's sword and bazooka were within his reach. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. How could he defend himself while being trapped in a tiny car? He had been prepared to have an argument (he knew himself and Okita well, he knew they would have argument) but he didn't want to anger Okita like this. Hadn't he learnt from their fight a few weeks ago? Okita didn't mind killing him. His previous attempts had been jokes, violent as they might be, but now Okita certainly had all the right reasons to stop fooling around with his attempt for Hijikata's life.

Okita shrugged. "I don't see how that's your problem."

"That's a crime!"

"I've bought female prostitutes before. Many Shinsengumi have, you included."

"He's a man!"

"I'm a man, too, and you slept with me."

Hijikata sputtered, losing the argument as soon as he started it. He should've prepared things he wanted to say. He should've realized Okita always outsmart him when it came to verbal sparring. Hijikata gritted his teeth. He couldn't give up so soon. "What would people think if they know about that?"

"About you sleeping with me or the prostitutes?"

"The prostitutes!" Hijikata yelled, annoyed. He took a long drag of his cigarette to calm himself. Now they're on the right track. He couldn't lose it again. "If people know about it, you'll get in trouble. You could get fired and sent to jail! And there's only so much Kondou-san could do to protect you!"

Okita was quiet, thinking. Hijikata watched him from the corner of his eyes warily. He didn't want to assume quickly that his warning had been heeded.

"Are you going to tell them?" Okita asked.

Hijikata looked at him a long time, trying to decide whether it was a challenge or just a simple question. He sighed when he failed to read Okita's expression. "Of course not. But you shouldn't be taking risks. People might hear about this."

Okita shrugged and leaned back on his seat. "I guess I should go back to girls."

Hijikata frowned in disapproval. He had hoped Okita would stop buying whores, male or female. Although being caught in the company of a female prostitute wasn't as damaging as being caught with a male one, not being caught at all was still much better. "Are you so depraved?"

Okita glanced at him, undaunted. "Not all of us would settle for our hands."

"Can't you get a girlfriend or something?" Hijikata asked, exasperated.

"I'd rather not."

Honestly Hijikata could understand why. He had never really been in a relationship. The only time he came close to knowing what being in a 'relationship' was like, was when Okita demanded to go on dates with him, and those dates hadn't ended well. Real relationship, from what he understood as an outsider, required a lot of effort that Shinsengumi members couldn't fully provide. He knew many stories about his friends being dumped by their girlfriends for choosing dangerous line of work over safe domesticated lifestyle. He couldn't blame those women, just as he couldn't blame Okita for not wanting to bother to try. Hijikata sighed.

"I guess I can pay some girl to pretend to be my girlfriend."

"Sougo!"

Okita gave him a somber look. "Well, what alternative do you have in mind, Hijikata-san?"

Hijikata raked his brain for answer. He wished Okita would just stop, but that was too easy. Of course, there should be some kind of replacement. A replacement he hadn't prepared for. Hijikata frowned when only one solution came to his mind. "Me. You could use me."

"Who's the depraved one now?"

"Shut up!" Hijikata yelled. He growled when he realized his hands were slightly shaking and gripped the steering wheel tighter. "Didn't we have that deal? Why did you have to go look for male prostitutes?"

Okita cocked an eyebrow, looking infuriatingly smug. "I didn't know you're looking forward to sleeping with me."

"I am not!" Hijikata denied. "I'm just saying that it's safer than going off to sleep with random strangers!" And better, perhaps? The pleasure he felt when he was with Okita was certainly intense, although he couldn't speak for the captain. He must've hurt him.

Okita blinked, considering his appeal. "Are you saying I can sleep with you whenever I want to?"

Hijikata was ready to say no. Of course he didn't mean whenever Okita wanted to. He only promised one time! But would once be enough to stave his lust until he finds a suitable long-term lover? Of course not. Hijikata bit his tongue and nodded.

Okita nodded, satisfied. "Good. I want it now."

Hijikata sputtered and nearly swallowed his cigarette. "Now?"

"Yes, now." Okita confirmed.

"Are you out of your mind? We're on duty!" Hijikata protested.

Okita looked at him, clearly not listening to his objection. "You promised." He said. There was a glimmer in his eyes that told Hijikata that this was more of a test than an actually need to stave off physical needs.

Hijikata growled and looked away. "Idiot! What if there's an emergency? We're working now! We should…"

"We could do it in the car. That way could be contacted in case of emergency." Okita suggested calmly. Far too calmly for Hijikata's liking.

"Are you crazy?" Hijikata bellowed. Not even in a hotel? Not that Hijikata wanted to risk being seen asking for a room with Okita while both of them were in uniform. But, still. In the patrol car? Okita was definitely crazy.

"I know places where we won't be seen." Okita continued, still not paying attention to Hijikata's protests.

"How could people miss a patrol car?" Hijikata grumbled, turning his attention back to the street ahead. From the corner of his eye, he could see that Okita was watching him. He sighed heavily. "Show me the way."

* * *

"It's too cramped here!" Hijikata protested when he bumped his head against the door.

Okita characteristically ignored his pain. "Just fold yourself a little Hijikata-san. Are you sure you're not gaining weight?" He asked as he settled on top of the vice-commander. He, too, was having some problem but wasn't as vocal about it as Hijikata was.

Hijikata growled. With his position laying down on the backseat with Okita on top of him, the only way to be slightly comfortable was by bending his legs so they tightly flanked Okita's hips. He wondered how they're going to be able to undress at all. They could barely move as they were!

"See? Better, right?"

Hijikata glowered at the face above him although he couldn't clearly see it. Okita had led them to an abandoned tunnel in the edge of the city. It was quiet, and mercifully far from any neighborhoods. The chances of being seen here was low, but not non-existent. Hijikata was paranoid enough to keep looking behind them on the way here to check whether they had been seen or, worse, followed, but had seen nothing. Although, he could always miss something. What if he had missed something?

"Sougo, this is a stupid idea!"

"It's an excellent idea." Okita replied, pressing the bulge on his trousers on Hijikata's crotch.

The dark-haired man's eyes widened. So Okita was really serious about this. He squirmed in discomfort but stopped when he realized that he was only arousing Okita further. "Idiot." He muttered, face burning in embarrassment. And perhaps slight arousal? Hijikata could feel himself responding to the stimulation.

"Mmhmm." Okita hummed, not caring about the insult. He lowered his face slowly until his hot breath was caressing Hijikata's face.

"What?" Hijikata snapped to hide his nervousness.

"You're not cute." Okita commented. Before Hijikata could say anything back, he kissed the older male.

Hijikata gasped when Okita's tongue invaded his mouth. His too-vivid recollection of the night he slept with Okita told him that the boy hadn't been this active. Hijikata groaned when Okita kissed him skillfully, tongue teasing him, arousing him, stealing his breath away. His hands weren't idle, either. The vice-commander could feel them wandering on his body, stroking down his sides. He jerked a little when a hand slipped under his uniform and fingertips tickled his abdomen. At the same time Okita's free hand slid between Hijikata's body and the cushion to grope his ass. Hijikata arched his back and moaned into the sandy-haired youth's mouth as his cheek was squeezed. His lust sky-rocketed. A stray thought crossed his mind just then. _So this is how it's done_.

* * *

Absently, Hijikata caressed Okita's damp back with trembling hands. It took him a while to come to his senses. He began to notice things like the silence surrounding them, the darkness, the fogged glasses, their nakedness, and not to mention the soreness in the lower half of his body. He frowned at the boy lying on top of him, who was still enjoying his post orgasmic bliss too much to realize other things. He thought of a scathing remark, something to express his displeasure of the situation, but Okita spoke first.

"We definitely should do that again."

TBC

A/N: The next chapter may take a while to finish. I don't want to turn this into a plotless yaoi (which I can so easily do with this latest development) so I'm going to try to bring some plot and drama back. I'm not very good at drama and fluff so it may take a while for my muse to inspire me. Anyway, I had so much fun writing this chapter. I hope you had as much fun reading ^^ Please R&R


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Sorry for the delay! Work has been doing its best to smother me… Anyway, it seems like I've lost some readers due to the switching last chapter. Now, in case you're still reading and wondering if this fic is going to be OkiHiji or still HijiOki, the answer is both. I personally think neither of them will quietly accept being the bottom and it's going to be a constant struggle between them, regardless of whether they enjoy bottoming or not. So, in conclusion, the best thing I can say about the label of the fic now is HijiOkiHiji. However, as I mentioned in the note in the previous chapter, I don't want to focus too much on the sex (because there's a plot here, somewhere, in a corner I've almost forgotten), so I won't write much about who's top and who's bottom behind closed doors.

If you're still with me, then enjoy this chapter (and tell me you're there)! We're getting back to romance! Or I tried to, anyway.

Disclaimer: Gintama is not mine.

**Love's Redemption**

"Hijikata-san, pass me the remote control."

"I'm watching the show!" Hijikata protested, but passed Okita the remote control anyway. He grumbled as the youth changed the channel a few times before settling for some stupid soap opera. "This show is ridiculous."

"It's a comedy show, Hijikata-san. That's kind of the point." Okita replied without even sparing a glance at the vice-commander. He put the remote control on the table between them, as if challenging Hijikata to change the channel.

They watched the show in relative silence, broken only by Hijikata's complaints that it's stupid and Okita's hums when he found something particularly funny. The dark-haired man inhaled his cigarette deeply, enjoying the taste of nicotine and the warmth in his chest. It had been a while since they had a quiet night like this, usually they're out on patrol or trying to catch some criminal (and subsequently blew up a portion of the city). As much as Hijikata liked action, he still needed to rest once in a while to replenish his energy, especially now that he had more than his job and exercises to keep him busy.

"Well, it's good to see you not try to kill each other!" Kondou said with a grin. He sat down on an unoccupied side of the table, looking at his subordinates happily. "You could get along well after all!"

"For now." Hijikata replied but without venom.

"Don't be like that, Toushi. I'm sure if you try hard enough, you can become good friends!"

"Did you say that based on experience, Kondou-san? How's Tae-san doing?"

Kondou characteristically ignored Okita's sarcasm and started a speech about how their 'relationship' was going smoothly and that they were an ideal couple many should learn from. Hijikata couldn't completely ignore his superior, especially when he looked completely serious, no matter how delusional he was being. He futilely pointed out the fact that Tae-san didn't seem to be fond of Kondou even in the slightest, but the commander claimed that she was merely being shy about it. Hijikata sighed quietly, wondering if and when his superior would come to his senses. A movement from across the table brought his attention back to Okita.

"I'm going to bed." Okita announced.

Others might miss it –Kondou certainly did- but Hijikata caught a lingering look from the captain before he left the room. He knew what that meant and his body quickly reacted to it. He swallowed thickly and looked away, not wanting to give his commander a chance to read his expression. What would he say if Kondou found out that he desired Okita? Or worse, what if Okita knew he desired him back?

Yes, Hijikata admitted that he desired Okita –it was hard not to. He swore he didn't mean to. He was everything Hijikata shouldn't want: a young boy who was the brother of a woman he once loved. But he wasn't blind and Okita did many things to get his attention. He was very attractive, Hijikata begrudgingly admitted. He was smart, mysterious, and well-intentional most of the time, and although he could be difficult to approach and deal with, there's some kind of charm in his aloof attitude and sharp tongue, the tongue that was capable of more than Hijikata dared to imagine…

"I'm relieved."

Hijikata turned to Kondou again in surprise, almost forgetting that he wasn't alone in the room. He hoped his face hadn't given him away. He was sure he was flushed right now and he dreaded the thought of Kondou finding out what was on his mind. "Huh?" He said eloquently.

Kondou exhaled slowly and crossed his arms in front of his chest as a soft smile formed on his face. "Sougo looks so much better now. For the longest of time, he seemed sad, and even angry. I was worried he wouldn't get over Mitsuba's death."

Oh, right. "I guess he's his normal self now." Hijikata answered while trying to light a new cigarette.

"Yes." Kondou agreed, watching Hijikata fumbled with the lighter longer than usual. "I'm glad everything is back to normal."

Hijikata grunted when he finally manage to light his cigarette. "Yes."

"I have you to thank."

"Huh? I didn't do anything!" Hijikata denied, perhaps too quickly.

Kondou chuckled and shook his head. "If you weren't there for him, I'm sure it would take him longer to return to normal. We know what Sougo is like. He will never ask for help, even when he needs it. And this time, especially, he needs help."

_Like you_, Hijikata heard what Kondou didn't say. He lowered his eyes and inhaled a lungful of smoke. They watched the stupid TV show together for a while before Kondou gave up trying to get a reaction out of his friend and retired to his room. Soon after, not having any more reason to stay around, Hijikata stopped trying to make sense of the show and went to his own room.

Had he really helped Okita? He was sure the boy thought differently, and Hijikata couldn't deny it. There were better ways to help someone grieving. In fact, he could have easily made things worse for the boy, but he hadn't. As far as he was concerned, Okita was almost always his normal self, especially nowadays. The captain didn't try to kill him in his sleep or even bring his sadistic streak to bed, so he must have at least lost some of his anger to Hijikata. Right?

There were a lot to think about, a lot to consider, but Hijikata found his mind shutting down as he neared his room. His body tingled with anxiety, something he had stopped rejecting. There was a countdown at the back of his mind and he knew he wouldn't sleep until he felt a warm body sharing his bed tonight.

* * *

Okita ignored the burning pile of rubbles behind him and went to the waiting car. The media and Shinsegumi would be busy today, but he didn't care. It's not like it's his fault the thief was trying to escape by running of the roofs. It's his duty to stop criminals as quickly and effectively as possible and he figured his bazooka was the perfect tool for doing just that.

"Sougo, did you blow up another building?" Kondou asked on the radio.

Okita glanced back at the scene behind him and shrugged. "I guess so."

Kondou groaned long-sufferingly, no doubt thinking of the complaints he would have to deal with from people and his boss. Okita got in the car and ordered his assigned partner to drive off, leaving the other officers to deal with the mess. He had done his job, as far as he was concerned.

"Can you not blow things up for one day, Sougo?"

Okita turned his eyes to the radio. It took all his self-control to not smirk and express anything but boredom. However, he couldn't stop a thrill of excitement for nights he tried not to think of too often. It hadn't been that long since Okita had such a night, but he already missed it. He held himself back. It wouldn't do to make his visits too regular; he didn't want Hijikata to get used to it. Besides, dread was part of the punishment.

"I try, but it's still the fastest way to fight crimes. Do you have any other ideas, Hijikata-san?"

"Yes. You can run after them, catch them, then throw them to jail!"

"I can see how well that works for you. Weren't you the one who led the chase for an underwear thief for an entire day a couple of days ago?"

They bickered for a few minutes (with Okita winning, naturally) before Kondou decided that as a punishment, Okita must double his shift for a week, starting from today. He didn't mind. He was used to run on only coffee and whatever food he could find. If there's something to complain about, it would be that he was very sure he would be bored to death. He didn't actually mind catching petty criminals if that meant doing something, but most of the time, those type of things were assigned to lower-ranked Shinsengumi. Without _amanto_ or terrorist attacks, Okita's job was just driving around the town to occasionally stop drunken fights.

But an order was an order. After returning to the headquarter for a quick rest, he left again with to start his night shift. Kondou looked a bit sorry when he saw Okita left so soon after he came back, but Hijikata seemed completely indifferent. Okita shrugged mentally. Probably the black-haired man was still pissed at their argument today or maybe because Okita insisted on topping last night. That usually put Hijikata in a bad mood no matter how many times Okita made him admit that he enjoyed it. Oh, well. That's none of his problem. He had work to focus on now.

A couple of hours into his new shift, it was raining heavily and sane people were taking shelters inside warm buildings. There were only a few cars on the street, and none of them even had the decency to break the speed limit. Worse still, it was said the rain would last all night. So yes, it was going to be a peaceful night, but also an incredibly dull one. Okita would need a lot more coffee to keep himself awake at this rate, and he didn't look forward to it, not being a fan of the beverage. He really hoped something interesting would happen tonight.

Okita's excitement returned when he saw another Shinsengumi patrol car approaching them. He rolled down the window when the other patrol car was beside them. To his surprise, he found Hijikata in the other car, lit cigarette poised between his lips as usual. He glowered at Okita and his partner, as if unhappy to find them there.

"What's wrong, Hijikata-san?" Okita asked, shouting a little to be heard over the pouring rain.

"Nothing!" He shouted back. "Why don't you take a break?"

Okita raised an eyebrow. "Are you worried about us, Hijikata-san?"

Even though he couldn't hear it, Okita knew Hijikata just growled. Yamazaki winced and leaned away from the vice-commander when he replied. "Don't you remember the meeting last week? We're supposed to save fuel! Take a break! No one is stupid enough to be outside their homes anyway!" Hijikata shouted, face crunched into a scowl.

Okita shrugged and nodded to his partner to indicate him to obey. Obeying Hijikata for once should worth getting out of boredom and cold.

A few minutes later, they were at a ramen restaurant, inhaling warm meal to repel the cold air. Hijikata, as usual, added mayonnaise to the perfectly delicious ramen, which nearly made Yamazaki lose his appetite. Okita, used to the antics, merely gave a sarcastic remark before digging into his steaming bowl of ramen, eager to fill his stomach with something warm and not junk food. No one talked when they're eating, too busy regaining heat to their bodies. Once they were done, Hijikata ordered Yamazaki and Okita's partner to buy some odd item he claimed they needed back at the headquarter.

"Tell me, Hijikata-san, are you worried about me?" Okita asked once their subordinates had left and they were outside the restaurant so Hijikata could smoke in peace.

Hijikata frowned. "I am not!" He denied.

"You could just tell us to 'save the fuel' over the radio, you know."

Hijikata growled in displeasure but didn't reply. Okita let him, knowing that the silence meant that he was right. He looked up at the starless night sky. Okita wasn't looking forward to spending the night in a car and felt a little envious of Hijikata who could sleep in his warm bed. He exhaled quietly, imagining curling up in the bed with another's warm body in a rainy night.

"You skipped lunch today."

Okita turned to his superior, head slightly tilted to the side in question. He actually barely remembered skipping lunch, but he vaguely recalled just drinking a bottle of water to sustain himself while on his shift. "So?"

Hijikata glared at him but somehow managed to prevent himself from yelling. "Don't get sick." He muttered.

Okita blinked, then pulled Hijikata to the tiny, darkened alley between the restaurant and a building. Hijikata grunted in surprise when the youth pushed him to a damp wall and took his cigarette away. He tried to glare, but Okita broke his concentration by pulling him down by his collar and crashing their lips together.

It took a few seconds for Hijikata to respond to the rough gesture, his hands froze on his sides in the beginning. But as Okita continued to press against him, he brought his hands up to hold Okita. Pleased by this, Okita purred and kissed Hijikata harder until he was sure he had the scent and taste of the foul cigarette imprinted on his mouth. The older man kissed back just as passionately, no doubt seeing this as another form of challenge.

Okita broke the kiss when desire began to build up. He liked embarrassing Hijikata, but he knew there was time and place for everything. He was on a shift and Hijikata was… Well, he didn't know what excuse Hijikata used to leave the headquarter, but one thing was for sure. There were two Shinsengumi members who could be on their way to see them. He wanted Hijikata, but not here, not now. He wanted to enjoy him properly, not like drunk teens that couldn't wait to find a room to have their first time.

"Why?" Hijikata whispered, his warm breath teasing Okita.

"Cold." Okita replied with the first thing that came to his mind.

Hijikata looked at him with an odd expression on his face before leaning down to kiss Okita slowly. The sandy-haired boy moaned softly into the kiss and tried to press even closer. One of his hands slid up to hold the back of Hijikata's head so they could kiss deeper. He was a tad disappointed when Hijikata broke the kiss.

"They could be waiting."

They didn't move for another minute until Okita sensed Hijikata was about to lose his control and forget the fact that they really had two subordinates on their way there. He pulled away regretfully and walked back to the front of the restaurant with Hijikata following him. The street was still quiet, their partners hadn't returned.

"You're wet." Hijikata commented suddenly.

"That's something you say to a woman, Hijikata-san."

Hijikata glared at him, then stepped closer to pat his back where Okita could feel dampness seeping through the clothes. "_Your uniform_ is wet."

Okita wanted to argue, but then remembered what Hijikata just said earlier. He took off his uniform jacket and draped it over his arm. His shirt was also a little damp, but he couldn't take that off too in public. Hijikata grunted in satisfaction and then lit another cigarette. They stood in silence for a minute or two until Yamazaki and Okita's partner reappeared. Hijikata commanded Okita to return to his shift while he went back to the headquarter. They had a short banter before leaving to the opposite directions. Okita quietly watched Hijikata's car slowly disappeared from view from the side mirror. He leaned back on his seat, his wet jacket on his lap, the taste and scent of tobacco on his lips.

* * *

Where was he?

Hijikata tossed and turned in his bed, trying to find a comfortable position that would help him sleep, but a thought kept him awake. Where was Okita?

Today was the end of Okita's night shift and the boy had obviously intended to catch up on his sleep. Unfortunately, there was a Joui attack in the city that needed Shinsengumi's attention. Okita came to help despite the fact that he was obviously still tired. He was a seasoned swordsman, though, and despite Hijikata's reservations didn't have much difficulty fighting and capturing the terrorists, managing to make it out of the battle mostly unscathed.

It was almost like Okita was determined to show that he was inhuman, Hijikata thought. He snorted a little. Okita was definitely human, prone to conflicting emotions and weaknesses. In a way, he couldn't blame the boy for wanting to appear tough. After all, they were fighting against those who were determined to ruin their country-they couldn't afford to show their weakness if they wanted to live. But still, Hijikata rather hoped the boy knew his limits and didn't push it too far. That's why he was annoyed when tonight Okita volunteered to guard the area where the attack had taken place. He should've left it to other Shinsengumi members, those who hadn't just had a week of double shift followed by an entire day of disarming and then arresting a violent group of Joui. But of course Okita had to be stubborn.

Hijikata sighed in frustration. He should ask Kondou to tell Okita to stop pushing himself so hard. He wanted nothing more than to go and shake the boy until some senses got into his thick skull, but he doubted he would be heard. Plus, he was worried it might lead to other things which had less to do with chastising and more to do with…

All right, that was it. It's too late and he would talk to Kondou tomorrow. Hijikata frowned at the darkness of his room and forced himself to sleep. It took him an hour to fall asleep despite his exhaustion.

A couple of hours later, Hijikata was awaken by the sound of his door opening then closing although it was slightly muffled by the sound of rain. His first instinct was to reach for his sword. He was alert at once and quickly calculated how he could fight his attacker. Who would send anyone to kill him? Where was the assassin and what kind of weapon did he carry? Hijikata's eyes struggled to get used to the dark, searching for bluish shadow of the assassin.

"Hiijikata-san."

"Sougo?" He wondered, recognizing the voice immediately. He dropped his sword then tried to sit up, but Okita slipped into his bed before he moved. He shifted to the side to give the captain some space –his bed was small but it never stopped Okita from trying to make it fit the bodies of two grown men. "What is it?" He asked. His eyes hadn't completely adjusted to the darkness but he could see that Okita had changed into his sleepwear. He was a cold and his hair a bit damp. How long had he been outside in the rain?

Okita snuggled close to him in answer, throwing one arm over Hijikata's abdomen. He made some indecipherable noise before finding a comfortable position with his head on Hijikata's shoulder. The vice-commander wasn't sure what to do at first –usually they were naked minutes after Okita came to his room- but then awkwardly slipped his arm under the shorter male. His hand hovered awkwardly before coming to rest on Okita's shoulder.

"Sougo, what's wrong?" He asked again quietly.

At first there was no answer, although Hijikata was sure Okita was still awake. Then the boy shuffled and he tightened his grip on his shoulder, worried that he might try to go. "The best way to get warm is by sharing body warmth." He answered.

Hijikata sighed but decided not to argue. He shivered a little when Okita's cold feet rubbed against him. "Fine." He said finally.

Okita was asleep within seconds. Hijikata turned his head to the side a little to inhale the scent of rain in the boy's hair, tightened his grip, and fell into a peaceful sleep.

TBC

A/N: Umm, so yeah. I'm not good at romance at all. Anyway, please R&R! I'll see you again the next time I can escape from work!


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: If Anyone still cares. I'm so sorry. It's been a busy year and having a new fandom distracts me.

Disclaimer: Gintama isn't mine

**Chapter 10**

Hijikata liked Okita's hands; they looked so deceptively fragile, yet perfectly capable of bringing death. He liked the fact that he was kept on his toes whenever he was near the captain; it helped him train his survival instinct. He did know that it was very unlikely for Okita to really try to kill him. Those threats, no matter how deadly they might appear, were his versions of jokes. Hijikata wouldn't pretend that he understood completely, but he knew enough to know to oblige him; Okita liked it when he was angry and tried to fight back.

But violence wasn't the only thing Okita possessed. The boy was a collection of paradoxes. It took Hijikata a long time to figure out Okita's childish side, a side that wasn't acceptable given their occupation. It was a struggle, but Hijikata had grown to tolerate the spoiled brat Okita was. Although, it did bother him to think that he might have spoiled Okita too much. Nothing good could come out of it. They were supposed to be adults.

And yes, Okita was an adult. He knew what he needed to know about the world. He was jaded even, knowing much more than those his age did. Hijikata admired how he took everything in stride, trying hard to keep up with those older than him (although not necessarily more mature.) And he had to admit, he was a little grateful that this was one of the ways Okita wanted to keep up with his older friends.

"Sougo! Get out of here! It's almost dawn!" Hijikata hissed as Okita climbed on top of him to undress him.

"Hmm? I'll be quick." Okita replied calmly.

"Quick? Sou…"

Hijikata tried to stop Okita from removing his sleeping robe completely but the boy was too fast. He gritted his teeth when the robe was pulled aside to reveal his body. All right, so he wasn't unaffected by this, but it was nearly dawn. People would be awake very soon and they could be…

All thoughts were lost to him when Okita rocked his hips slightly, causing their erect manhood to rub together. It was unfair that Okita was still dressed. It was unfair that he could affect Hijikata like this. But damn if Hijikata could protest about that right now.

"What if people hear?" Hijikata whispered frantically. His hands twitched on his sides, craving to touch Okita's smooth skin. He liked that about him, too. Okita's body wasn't flawless, there were scar tissues here and there, but it was still soft to the touch. The planes and the firmness of his muscles however, reminded Hijikata that this was a trained swordsman, not someone to underestimate.

"Then we need to be silent." Okita replied, running his hands down Hijikata's chest. Hijikata could imagine a mischievous glint crossing the captain's eyes as he spoke. It took him a long time, but he had finally realized that Okita was more expressive than he liked to believe. Hijikata hadn't quite mastered predicting his responses, but he was sure that right now Okita was sporting a cross of smugness and naughtiness on his face.

Hijikata frowned, but who was he fooling. Okita might not see that in this darkness and he could definitely feel that Hijikata didn't dislike his action. With a growl, Hijikata pulled Okita close to him and flip their position. He paused once he was between Okita's legs, gauging the brunet's reaction. He could never tell with him when it came to this. Maybe Okita wanted to top? Or maybe he wanted something else? Hijikata wasn't gentle last night –he never was. Okita had called him a brute more than once- and the last thing he wanted was to hurt Okita.

Okita solved his dilemma with a kiss. Hijikata liked his kisses. He was inexperienced with kisses, the only other person he had ever kissed being Karin. But he liked the way Okita turned kisses into fights and arguments and conversations familiar to him. This was just Okita, someone he knew for many years. Maybe he didn't have much experience in sex, but he knew how to deal with him. Kind of.

"Are you sure?" Hijikata asked quietly, fingers lightly stroking Okita's inner thigh until he reached his destination. He swallowed thickly when he brushed his fingertips against Okita's entrance.

He liked the way Okita arched up beneath him and the quiet way he moaned. He liked it almost as much when Okita was on top of him, groaning when he did something right. He liked the gleam in Okita's eyes when they were like this, it made him feel wanted, and even needed. He liked the way Okita licked his lips. He even liked Okita's commands, rude as they were.

"Stop talking, Hijikata-san."

Hijikata didn't even spare a second to think before he flipped Okita to his stomach. His hands shook slightly as he hastily prepared the captain, earning him muffled words of goading. Okita impatiently pushed back against his fingers, oh-so-eager to get more. Hijikata groaned, pulled his fingers out, and slid into the captain in one smooth thrust and oh. Oh. _Oh_… It's so warm, so tight, so perfect and Hijikata couldn't help the quick jerk of his hips. He leaned down, pressed his chest against Okita's back, wrapped his arms around him and rutted, hips snapping back and forth quickly in shallow thrusts. He mouthed the back of Okita's neck and his shoulder to silence the words Okita didn't care to hear.

It was pointless to deny that he liked the sex. He was proud of the way he had become better at it, at pleasuring Okita. He knew because it no longer took very long for Okita to groan to the pillow and gripped his hand tightly to direct it to his dripping erection. Hijikata obliged him, kissing and licking Okita's ear as he stroked him. When he sensed the captain was about to come, he moved his other hand from Okita's waist to hold his hand. The brunet gripped his hand tightly at the first brush of hands and panted, pushing back against Hijikata's thrusts, demanding Hijikata to stroke him faster. Hijikata relished the symphony of his '_yes, yes, yes_', '_more_', '_harder_', '_oh, please_', and sweet moans of his name ('_Hijikata-san, Hijikata-san,_ oh_, Hijikata-san…_') and awarded it by pressing even closer until he was sure they would merge into one. He liked how Okita held his hand, as if he didn't want Hijikata to be too far from him. He did the same when he was in Okita's position. The sensation of skin against skin made everything a lot more intense, making maintaining control a lot more difficult. He liked the tension in their bodies when they came, that moment of shared bliss Hijikata had grown addicted to. He almost regretted having to pull out and move away if he didn't remind himself that it'd make Okita more comfortable if he wasn't squashing him.

He liked the way Okita looked after he came, the way the sharpness in his eyes was gone and he looked completely relaxed. Even his nonchalance was gone, replaced by contentment. Hijikata thought it's the look that suited him best. He wiped the captain's sweat away and brushed stray strands of hair from his face to properly look at him. He liked their slow kisses, their murmured conversation, the way Okita caressed him slowly.

And when Okita finally left for his own room, leaving nothing but memory, Hijikata laid down quietly on his bed. He wondered what his life had turned into, what it should've been, what it would probably be in the future. Then he decided that this wasn't so bad at all and he got up and prepare for another day fighting side-by-side with Okita.

* * *

Hijikata frowned, watching the crowd around him carefully, his senses in high alert. There were too many people to watch, too many things that could and would go wrong, too many stupidities that would test his patience. There were kids running around, not all of them with their parents following closely behind. People were lining up in front of small stalls and sellers raised their voices to promote their products. Hijikata was especially wary of the people hanging around sake stalls, knowing that sooner rather than later, they would cause some kind of trouble. He had assigned some Shinsengumi officers to keep an eye on those stalls just in case. There was also a problem of pickpockets. It's only to be expected to find those in a festival. He didn't look forward to reviewing countless arrest reports of pickpockets that would certainly swarm him tomorrow.

"No sign of Joui so far. No amanto, either." Okita said. There had been very little action for the captain lately (at least not the kind of action that required the use of his bazooka) and he had been a little restless. Hijikata couldn't count the number of pranks he had pulled the past few days. He had been on the receiving end of quite a few of those recently. Hijikata had lost count of how many times Okita had spent the night in his bedroom, only leaving when dawn came and people would be looking for them. He was convinced it was Okita's way of trying to give him a heart attack, a small price to pay for what he had done. But he honestly thought that it was better than letting Okita destroy half the city or charge into battles recklessly.

Hijikata grunted in reply. "Good. This festival would run smoothly, then."

Okita glanced at him. "You look awfully relaxed, Hijikata-san. Better watch out. Someone could sneak up and kill you and you won't even know until you're in hell."

A growl was Hijikata's answer to that. As usual, Okita ignored him and turned his attention to the festival. Hijikata couldn't tell whether he was searching for troublemakers or trying to get in trouble. Either way, it made him a little anxious. A restless Okita was a handful to handle, as he had known all too well.

"Stop looking at me, Hijikata-san."

Hijikata blinked, not realizing that he had been staring until Okita lazily spoke. "Huh?" He said in confusion to the back of the captain's head.

Okita slowly turn his face to the side so he could watch Hijikata. "You're looking at me like you want me…" He said slowly, eyes glinting with something Hijikata had grown familiar with. He felt a pull of lust combined with panic. Was anybody around? Was anybody watching or listening to them? What if someone heard? But he couldn't tear his eyes away from the captain, nor could he say something in reprimand. "… to neglect my duty and go have fun by myself." Okita continued.

It took a second for Hijikata to realize what just happened. By the time he was snarling and stammering chastises, Okita was ignoring him again. "Idiot! What do you think you're doing?"

"Well, you look like you expect me to do that just now." Okita said calmly. "That's very irresponsible of you, Hijikata-san."

"No more irresponsible than blowing things up just to catch a petty thief!"

"Are we talking about this again?"

They were definitely talking about this again. Or at least, Hijikata was. He ranted on and on about how Okita rarely obeyed the procedures and how much trouble he left for Hijikata and Kondou to deal with. He complained about how sick he was of writing letters of apology for Okita's demolition game. Although it was better than bowing down in apology -which he would never be good at- it was still very irritating.

"But you'd still do that for me, wouldn't you?" Okita stated calmly, as if he was merely commenting on the weather.

Hijikata paused, looking at the captain. Standing side by side, he had a better view of the boy and he could see the slight curves on the edges of Okita's lips. His eyes gentled with something akin to mirth. Tension had seeped away from his body, leaving him relaxed, although not vulnerable. It occurred to Hijikata that it was the first time he had seen Okita like this in broad daylight.

"You're staring again." Okita said.

Hijikata hid his nervousness by lighting a cigarette. Neither he nor Okita said anything after that, but it was okay, the silence was actually nice. Being with Okita was actually nice. Now if only he could stop him from implying publicly that they're sleeping together.

* * *

Hijikata nervously watched girls draping themselves over the palace official he was supposed to guard tonight, fervently hoping no one recognized him. He had tried to refuse when he was told that the official wanted to go to the red light district, but Kondou had insisted on sending the best Shinsengumi officers to protect him against the many threats the official received. Hijikata thought that going to shady red light district was evidence of the lack of desire to preserve one's life, but kept this thought to himself.

Hijikata had been very nervous since he set foot on the district, worried sick that someone might recognize his face although he only went there once. He was grateful that the official chose a different brothel from the one he went to with Okita months ago, although it didn't completely remove his agitation, something Okita apparently didn't share.

The captain had been showing familiarity with the environment, ordering the best dishes and drinks in the house for them and even requesting some of the most popular girls there. HIjikata was surprised no one commented on how he seemed to know all of that, not even Kondou. Had it been a known fact that Okita occasionally visit the district? The thought that he had been the only one in the dark angered him.

"Don't you want some girls to accompany you?" Okita asked absently.

Hijikata turned to the captain. The boy was calmly watching Kondou making a fool of himself as girls flirted and teased him, appearing completely unaffected by the chaos in the room they stayed in. Some girls had approached him earlier, but he had rejected them, telling them 'not tonight' (how often does he spend the night here?) then sitting down on one side of the room without a care in the world. He ignored Hijikata's glares all night, occupying himself with small talks with girls when he wasn't talking their comrades into getting wasted. "Don't you?" Hijikata asked back, a bit more sharply than he intended.

Okita shrugged, "We're on duty."

The vice-commander wanted to point out that it hadn't stopped him that time they did it in the patrol car, but bit his tongue. Instead, he asked, "Have you been here before?"

For a second Okita didn't reply, "Yes," He finally said just when Hijikata thought he didn't hear him the first time.

Hijikata gritted his teeth, "Is there any place here you haven't been to, Sougo?"

This time, Okita turned to him, his face completely unreadable, "There are a few places. Do you want to check them out with me, Hijikata-san?"

Anger bubbled up within Hijikata. He scowled at Okita and stood up, "I'm going out for a smoke." He announced to everyone in the room crossly. There were some unclear responses from his teammates, but Hijikata didn't pay attention to that, immediately leaving the room. He knew Okita wouldn't follow him. As reckless as the captain could be, he wouldn't leave the room and put the life of the official in the hands of a few distracted Shinsengumi. It's for his own good. Hijikata wasn't sure he could hold back from giving more than an angry speech to the boy, and he really didn't want to hurt him.

Some girls giggled at him when he passed them by, and other Shinsegumi members he had stationed outside the room stared at him in confusion and fear, but he ignored them, quickly leaving the building. He needed fresh air and cigarette. He needed to get away from Okita and those stupid girls.

Unfortunately the air in the red light district was far from clear. The scents of incense, perfume, and food combined into something sickening. Hijikata growled, scaring a few passerbies. He wished he could go back to the headquarter instead of being here watching Okita reacquainting himself with the brothel. He's pretty sure Okita would like that. He could sleep with one of the women with Hijikata out of there and there were only inebriated men to watch over him. The girls certainly looked ready and willing to share a warm bed with the captain. Hijikata and his sobriety would just be a hindrance in there.

Hijikata smoked angrily, glaring at everyone who dared walk near him. Exactly how familiar was Okita with this place? How many of these brothels had he visited? Had he ever been involved with one of the women? Hijikata never asked about that particular aspect of Okita's life. It was disturbing enough that one time he took Hijikata there, but sometimes the vice-commander really wondered. Who on earth had introduced this to Okita? Hijikata swore if he found the guy….

"What the hell is that?" Hijikata growled as angry shouts and quick footsteps reached his ear, interrupting his train of thoughts. He frowned as he caught the sight of a group of men running after a woman. Great, it's just what he needed: security problem. Hijikata gripped his sword tightly while quickly assessing the skills of the men, neither looked particularly threatening, but he tightened his grip on his sword nonetheless. He kept his eyes on them as the woman spotted his uniform and hid behind him.

"Help me!" She begged urgently.

It crossed Hijikata's mind that these men were unlikely to pose any threat for the man he's supposed to be guarding, but he didn't care. He drew out his sword and held it up as one of the thugs came too close.

"Stay away." Hijikata warned.

The man, visibly scared, backed off. A quick look told Hijikata that this was a man who spent more time slacking off with his parents' money- another spoilt brat raised to believe he could have anything he desired. He couldn't say the same about some of his friends behind him, though. Scars crisscrossed their skin and although they didn't carry any visible weapon, Hijikata didn't like the look in their eyes. These men were trouble. "I-I don't want to cause trouble! I just want to talk to my girlfriend!" He said, stepping back, away from Hijikata's sword.

"I'm not your girlfriend!" The girl protested.

"What do you mean you're not…" The man stepped closer but was stopped by Hijikata's blade on his neck.

"Leave or before you do something you'll regret." Hijikata growled.

The man hesitated but then smartly decided that it wasn't wise to get in trouble with Shinsengumi. With one last angry glare to the woman and a rude name calling, he motioned his friends to leave with him. Hijikata watched them run, satisfied that he had done his job although anger still course through his veins.

"Are you all right, Miss?" Kondou asked. He had been drawn out by the commotion along with several other Shinsengumi officers. Even Okita was standing at the front door of the brothel, watching the scene with an unreadable expression on his face. Hijikata glared at him, daring him to comment on Hijikata's method to stop the conflict. The boy's eyes weren't on him, though. Instead, it was trained to the woman Hijikata just saved.

"Yes. Thank you, Hijikata-san."

Hijikata felt his stomach drop and his body grow numb. He spun around in trepidation, quickly recognizing the voice. "Karin." He choked out when he saw the woman smiling at him. Beside them, Kondou looked taken aback, blatantly staring at the woman, the living ghost of Mitsuba.

The thought sent a realization crashing through him. Hijikata quickly looked to the doorway to Okita. The captain had a strange look on his face. Hijikata opened his mouth to call out to him, his previous anger completely forgotten, but Okita turned around and entered the establishment again. Hijikata could only stare as he left him outside with the reminder of his crime, his guilt, and the sin he could never redeem.

TBC

A/N: I've written half of the next chapter. I know where I'm going to take this but I'm not sure how to get there. I'll try to update as soon as I can.


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